Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue.

If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

I saw an ex-girlfriend in town earlier and we had a really nice chat. As we said bye to one another I gave her a hug and she smiled.
"You've changed," she said, "You seem so much more mature now."
I'd love to see her face when she finds the "I suck cock" note I stuck on her back.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the assistant asked me,"will you be putting that up yourself"?
"No,you sick fuck",I replied,"I will be putting it up in my living room"!!!!:)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. All because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells....

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little thing sitting on your knee!"

Paddy & Mick are both on incapacity benefit claiming to be deaf.
Paddy says, "The bastards caught me out, they told me to close the door on me way out & i did."
Mick replies, "They tried to do the same thing to me Paddy but i was too smart for them. I told em to shut the fucking door themselves!"

If you ever feel like your Job is Meaningless.. ??

Just Remember..

*

It's someone's job to fit Indicators onto BMW's.

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."