A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room.

Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him.

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems... and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?"..... Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?" Douglas replied, "The same place you got that fucking train!"

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:
1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he stumbled on something, it was an old lamp and out came a Genie.

The sunny California sky clouded and in a booming voice, the Genie said, "Because you have freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Genie said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Genie, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Genie replied, "You want two lanes or four

3 men die on Xmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says "u must have something on u that represents Xmas" the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "it's a candle", St Peter lets him pass, the Welsh man jingles his keys and says "they're sleigh bells", St Peter lets him pass, the Irish man pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter says "how the fuck do they represent Xmas?"... Paddy says "they're Carols.

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.