My horoscope said my ex would pop up,I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her..

For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.

This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.

Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go.

Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.

‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’

‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom.

On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes.

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want.

So here I am.

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....

Back an forth...back and forth... in and out...in and out ...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed ...

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK!

I CAN'T park the frickin' car!

You do it, you SMUG b*****d!

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?

Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

Smallcox

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.

Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone....
..
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake your ’thing’ at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your ‘thing’ and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse b*** hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire your ‘size’ in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake ‘it’ at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"

The dad answered, "Playing Cards".

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

The dad answered, "Your mom".

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"

The sister answered, "Playing Cards."

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

She answered, "My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).

As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"

Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!