Paddy comes home and finds his best mate Mick on top of his wife with his head between her tits.
"What the f^ck are you doing, Mick?" Paddy asked.
"I'm listening to some music," Micks replies.
Paddy then tells Mick to let him have a listen.
Paddy gets on top of his wife, puts his heads between her tits and says, "I can't hear any music!"
Mick says, "Dat's 'cos you're not plugged in!"

My wife was getting ready to go out last night..
"You can't wear that." I said. "I can see your tits under it."
"So you can." She said. "Do I need to wear a bra?"
"Yeah, perhaps." I replied. "Or a longer dress!!..

A bear an a tortoise are walking through the forest one day. When they came across a genie lamp. The bear says. "I'm the biggest an the strongest. So I'll rub the lamp first" so he rubs the lamp first. And poof a genie pops out and says "I'll grant you both 3 wishes" so the bear says" I'm the biggest an the strongest I'll go first " so he wishes.... That all the bears in woods were female.... The genie grants the wish. Then the tortoise wishes for a motor bike. The genie understanding that a tortoise is slow he gets his motorbike. The bear has his second wish... An wishes for all the bears in the country were female. So the genie grants the wish. So the tortoise has his second wish...
An wishes for a helmet for his motorbike. The genie grants his wish. The bear then has his 3rd an final wish.... An wishes for all the bears in the world too be female. The genie grants his wish an all the bears are female. Now it's the tortoises last wishes.... An he says "wish this bear here was gay" then jumped on his bike an f^cked off..

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

I pulled a fit bird at the pub last night and took her back to my place. I was sure that when she saw my flash car in the driveway and 47 inch TV her knickers would be off in an instant, but instead she walked out.
She said she didn't want to date a guy who's clearly on benefits!!..

Every woman's magazine:
Page 8: Accept yourself for who you are
Page 15: How to lose 2 stone in a week
Page 16: Best cake recipe.

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I"ve told a donkey to f^ck off."

My wife's been carrying our first son for 9 months.
She's not pregnant, he's just a lazy little bastard..

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."

A woman calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the woman next door tells the police,
"You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the woman why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported 'HIM' missing, doesn't mean I wanted 'HIM' back!!..

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start.

Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys ,a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu

has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum

My mate with a stutter has just came out of prison.... its the first time ever he has completed a sentence!!..

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago!!..

Ambidextrous Lady Golfer

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed.. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no-one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES...

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Maori
Kei Te Aroha au i a Koe

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Australian
Nice Tits; Get in the Ute

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story...
Have a great day and remember...
...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
..

Last night I was watching this movie with creepy organ music, when all of a sudden I found myself shouting at the top of my lungs ”DON'T GO IN THAT CHURCH FOR F^CKSAKES!!!"
My wife goes " for goodness sake, what are you watching?"
"Our wedding video" I replied!!.

The Greece Bailout Explained.................
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works!!..

Paddy buys a bath takes it back next day,complaining water keeps escaping.Manager says,Did you buy a plug for it? paddy says,You f^cking w@nker! You never said it was electric!..

I was sitting in the pub
when this nice looking bird walks up, takes a look at my beer belly and asks,
"Is that Carling or Tetleys?"
I told her, "There is a tap underneath, help yourself."

Last Night I dreamt that I was Broke.....
I awoke this Morning and realised that Dreams Do come True! ..

The Missus has finally persuaded me to get some help with my drinking.
So I've got four mates coming over tonight for a piss up.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

My wife walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?"

"Its a red wine sauce I've made." I pointed my finger towards her and said, "Have a taste."

She said, "That tastes f^cking disgusting."

"Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my arse with that one."

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis......
he won't be shagging one of those again!!..

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in!!..

A Swiss guy on holiday in the UK,is looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprech...en?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Bollocks" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!!..

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

My ******** of a neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning but I didn't bother letting him in.
I mean, who the f^ck turns up to a party wearing a dressing gown and slippers?:)

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Cheeky f^cking bastards!

Fella comes home from his work in the pickle factory and throws £200 down on the kitchen table. His missus says - "Where've you got that from?" He says, "Well, all the lads at work bet me that I didn't dare stick my dick in the onion slicer. So, there's £200." She rushes over to him and starts feeling about in his crotch to make sure everything is still there. Then she says, "Everything's still there, so what happened with the onion slicer?" He says, "Well, she seemed to enjoy it!!.

My boss called me into his office He said,"Do you think it's acceptable to come in late stinking of booze"?
I said,"Yeah you go for it mate"!:)

I had a look at my horoscope this morning and it said an ex from my past would suddenly pop up.
So I've been waiting by the canal all day, you know, just in case she actually does...

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:
Blonde 33 From SYDNEY Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke!!..

After shagging Kylie Minogue I think there are two things you all need to know.She really is a sexy as hell,secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards,with no sense of humour!!...

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Hey... F^ckin hang on a minute”... !!!!:(

Beer VS. Women
A Beer is always wet, a woman is not….1 point for beer!
Beer is horrible, when it is hot….1 point for women!
A cold beer satisfies you….1 point for beer!
For a beer, you pay taxes….1 point for women!
If you drink a second beer, the first one doesn’t get angry….1 point for beer!
You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer….1 point for beer!
If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself….1 point for beer!
You know exactly how much a beer costs….1 point for beer!
A beer does not have a mother….1 point for beer!
A Beer won’t ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it….1 point for beer!
So the Score is……Beer beats women 8 to 2
If you’re a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry……1 point for beer...

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!:)

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the ********? It's called the ******** Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes. My public service is done for the day!..

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside
of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
Waiting the little boy gets bored, and just when his Mom comes walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of There! "she shouts. "Don't you know that women
have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for
a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You
know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down
there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of
those gums I'm not surprised!"