A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a wild bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all got together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I
found one, I began to read to it from the Catechism.

Well, it was very obvious that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.... The Bishop is
coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a real
bear, yes I did. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me...No siree!

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle... We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another, until we rolled to a creek. So I
quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul... And just like you
brothers said, he suddenly became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with an IV,
monitors and tubes running in and out of him... He was in a really bad shape...

Rabbi looked up and said: "You know, looking back on it.....circumcision
may not have been the best way to start.

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

For the conspiricy theorists among us...
 

Was the destruction of the Death Star an inside job?

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into my local Coles supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Safeway’s.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The seem to favour just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon so it’s a waste of time going any other time, trust me …

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each but Costco wallets are $1.75 and look better.

How tuff are Aussie blokes?
 

^^^^^^
Hahaha!!!love it

Dear Dorothy Dix,
> >>
> >> My partner has a long record of money problems. She runs up huge
> >> credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
> >> off, she shouts at me, saying I am stealing her money. She says pay
> >> the minimum and let the next lot worry about the rest, but already we
> >> can hardly keep up with the interest.
> >>
> >> Also, she has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbours that
> >> most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd up our
> >> bills even more.
> >>
> >> Also, she has gotten religious, even though she denies it. One week
> >> she hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the
> >> Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next she's with Muslims.
> >>
> >> Finally, the last straw: She's demanding that before anyone can be
> >> in the same room with her, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just
> >> so horribly creepy! Can you help?
> >>
> >> Signed,
> >> Lost.
> >> ---------------------------
> >>
> >>
> >> Dear Lost,
> >>
> >> Stop whining Tim, You're getting to live in The Lodge for free,
> >> travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.
> >>
> >> You can leave her any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with
> >> her until September 14, 2013!
> >>
> >> Signed,
> >> Dorothy Dix.

How tuff are Aussie blokes?
 

Gold!!!!!!