Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground; took off all her clothes; and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." .......... [dramatic pause]
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."



The group fell silent for a moment.


The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.



A few years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly unsolvable problem they were experiencing with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to no avail. In desperation, they called the retired engineer, who had solved so many of their problems in the past, begging him to help them out with this difficult situation.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent 1day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."


The defective part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly to everyone's relief.


The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark - $1.00. Knowing where to put it - $49,999.00."


It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered discussing the possible designers of the human body.


One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:


Normal people believe that: "...if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
The others: "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
a week and do anything you want Why won't you kiss me?"


The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

[]

Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving
milk.
The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy
Woy in N.S.W, , for $200.
They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W & the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the
people were pleased & very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away"
they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from Woy Woy."

Two old men decide they are close to their last days
and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

[] []

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers
and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first
two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting
two of my girls on them. They won't know
the difference."

the manager does as he is told and the two old
men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you
know, i think my girl was dead!"

"dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"

"well, she never moved or made a sound all the
time i was loving her."

his friend says, "could be worse i think mine was
a witch."

"a witch ??. . . Why the hell would you say that?"

"well, i was making love to her, kissing her on
the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she
farted and flew out the window... Taking my
teeth with her."

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.


After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax.

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole .'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well , asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

THESE ARE THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE
BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND
STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS!!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday,
Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that
you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with
it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might
find out. Try to do so without any coaching!











THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:
1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs
about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed,to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him and said: 'you just don't understand, you old coot...the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
>
>Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
>up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
>biker in the face and says:
>
>I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
>buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!
>
>The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
>
>His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would
>fight at the drop of a hat.
>
>The drunk leans on the table again and says:
>
>I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!
>
>The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
>still says nothing.
>
>The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, I'll tell you
>something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
>
>At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
>looks him square in the eyes and says..
>
>Grandpa;....... Go home!
>
>You're drunk.!

UP and DOWN SEX











At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a for k in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wan ted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown . . . . . .

ONE .
Recently,when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets.I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets,"said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?"I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt
close to mine.
I picked up one of those" dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items,she picked up the "divider,"looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me,"Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind,I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said,"OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number,so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car."Do you need some help?"I asked.
She replied,"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote.Now I can't get into my car.Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm,I dunno.Do you have an alarm,too?"I asked.
"No,just this remote thingy,"she answered,handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,I replied,"Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE.
Several years ago,we had a junior typist who was none too swift.One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper,"the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper,put it on the photocopier and proceeded
to make five "blank" copies.

SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank.Employees in the field call him
when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question:"I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal.Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

SEVEN.
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopier machine. The Message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copybutton each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.


Life is tough... It's even tougher if you're stupid...

The other day I was paying for some fuel and a drink at the servo,
When a bloke walked in and said "i need a new dipstick"
To that I replied " what son? Have you lost it?"
He looked at me and said "no... The one I have doesn't reach the oil"

They live amongst us... Multiply and VOTE!!!

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup
>and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I
>dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
>
>The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that
>he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
>only cure was testicular removal.
>"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
>
>The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
>advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
>Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
>Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the
>corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
>opinion from someone he could trust.
>
>The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv
>prostate suckness ey"
>"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
>"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
>
>"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards
>wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
>

ARE YOU A BITCH?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...
Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B . , you know....
Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her,

'What are you?''
She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F . E , you know...
Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H .'

What exactly is a BITCH?!? They ask in unison.

'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'


So ladies, next time somebody calls you a 'Bitch' SMILE, and say 'Thank You!!'

LAYBACK... jesus mate....

I went dizzy after the two old blokes

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

Cruiser, that brought tears to my eyes just reading it!!

HA HA I could only read 2 lines at a time it was too funny xp

Best headache joke ever
 

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!
'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

Here's the source for that. There are 500 similar reviews.


Quote:
Syrian secret police
'Most prisoners confessed within five minutes'


Quote:
"Foxhole1971"

As a reformed member of the Vietcong and survivor of numerous F4 Phantom Napalm strikes, I can say with confidence that the Yanks used the wrong ingredients for their incendiary devices.

I applied a small dab of this product onto my gentleman's sphericals and the searing pain was immediate, intense and will cause me flashbacks for the rest of my life. My poor swollen glands now have a blue hue and I fear they will never recover.


Quote:
Lee

Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca's armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan's own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.

A wee giggle for ye!




A woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin & raised her right arm,

revealing a huge, hairy armpit, and she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar an owl-eyed

drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit,

and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want

to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied: 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
> > He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
> > of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
> > her, a peanut fell in his ear.
> >
> > He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
> > deeper.
> > He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
> > worried and decided to go to the hospital.
> > As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
> > date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
> > could get the peanut out.
> >
> > The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
> > fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
> > blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
> >
> > The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
> > that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and
> > said, "that's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
> > to be when he grows older?"
> > The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

(How smart R U?)
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?





Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 2100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
Imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
Expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
Done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
Sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

In the workplace

Dear employees,



Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).



Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.



Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.



Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.



Sincerely,

The Management

Baby's first doctor visit
>>
>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,waiting for the
>>>doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>>>
>>>The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
>>>little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>>>
>>>'Breast-fed,' she replied.
>>>
>>>'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
>>>
>>>She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
>>>for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>>>
>>>Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
>>>
>>>'No wonder this baby is underweight.
>>>
>>>You don't have any milk.'
>>>
>>>I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
>>>
>>>But I'm glad I came.'

COPS AND LAWYERS

A London lawyer drives straight past a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop: "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer: "What for?"

Glasgow cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

London Lawyer: "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

Glasgow cop: "Sounds fair. Get out of your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer gets out of his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slowdown?"

A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida. It has an
>>automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
>>before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
>>and the smell of fresh rain.
>>When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you
>>experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat
>>department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
>>with onions.
>>When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
>>cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
>>bacon and eggs frying.... The bread department features the
>>tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
>>I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.

In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

A man says to his wife 'what would you do if I won Lotto".
She replies "I'd take half and leave you!".
"Good" he says, "I won $12 so here's $6..... now piss off!"

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"Well - I did a leetle, at ze beginning."

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.

4 . Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you. But don't worry, your Government is trying to correct
this problem

HILLBILLY DIVORCE
> >>
> >> A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit
> >> to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'
> >> The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them
> >> dayvorces.'
> >>
> >> The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The
> >> farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said,
> >> 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
> >>
> >> The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to
> >> church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I
> >> mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I
> >> ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
> >>
> >> The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a
> >> grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge,
> >> that's where I parks the John Deere'
> >>
> >> The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or
> >> something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at
> >> 4:30.'
> >>
> >> By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last
> >> question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
> >> The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but
> >> our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
> >> dayvorce.'
>

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his penis, so he goes to see his GP.

'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining

him. 'You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?'

'Yes,' the man replies shakily.

'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,



'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'



To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,



'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom


using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her
mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in
a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she
was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She
decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the
hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of
the last shop. She
was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has
been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
went ahead and
finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip
you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require
round-the-clock care. And he will now be in your care!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.


Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!