A vicar decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup - dead. The fourth worm in good clean soil - alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think "Well that's not going to happen."

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is - it's you.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout

The Constable he had his say 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about

'I reckon I can clear it up' said Dad with trembling breath

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials

They drilled a hole as deep as hell they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny it looked a proper sight

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well he always used to hold his breath until he heard the splash!

a mum and dad were sitting in their living room when their son who, at the age of 5 asks a lot of questions, ambles over and asks the question every parent fears... 'Where do babies come from mommy?' She looks over at her husband who merely shrugs his shoulders, leaving the question to her. She gives the classic answer 'When a mum and a dad love each other Very much, a stork brings a little bundle of joy' their son has a perplexed look and wanders off..... about 10 minutes later he comes back and says 'Mommy....Who *shags* the stork then' Causing the father to spit coffee everywhere

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing
> in the middle.
>
> BABY: An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
> responsibility at the other.
>
> CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
> are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
>
> DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
>
> HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
>
> MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
>
> TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today.
>
> YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
> And a favourite:
>
> WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

How tuff are Aussie blokes?