LOL...nice :)

Damn layback, your a hard man to keep up too... :)
Keep it up dude, I'm enjoyin this..

cheers

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives
you a hard way to go!


A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,


"PINCH MY NIPPLES,


PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks,

"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming


"PINCH MY NIPPLES,


PINCH MY NIPPLES,


PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads


"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"


The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
Then you are probably...
The family dog.

A couple of very elderly gents were chatting.
Fred: "Gee, I'm really feeling my age lately, aches n pains all over..."
George: "Really? I don't, I feel just like a newborn baby! Got no hair, no teeth and I just peed in my nappy."

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If Julia is in office much longer - tinned food, a generator, water and ammunition are your best bets."

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey drip put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

I just love these old folk's stories.........always thinking of ways to save a dollar!

$7.00 Sex

A couple, both well into their 80s go to a
sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse? '

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. ' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple
makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor
says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything, She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"