Any one wanting to get on my email forward list should PM me their email addy before this thread gets deleted!!

Little Johnny! (Bless the little b*stard)

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."


[]
[]"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..[]…….Italians

make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.[]"Dough, D O U G H

…….. …. My brother makes things with play dough."

[]
"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
and he's bl o o dy hopeless in bed,
so she uses a dill dough!"

^^LOL^^


An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

Layback.

My son is a Qantas pilot and never tells me these stories. Tells me many though that are just unreal and in real life. Not like this one below though.

I got one for ya.

A Qantas flight is departing Sydney for Singapore. QF319. A young beautiful blonde is booked into an economy seat but sits in a first class vacant seat.

The biscuit chucker (as we used to call them,don't call them that in the air though as they won't feed you) flight attendant asks the young lady to move back to her economy seat.

The blonde replies that she is beautiful,young,vivacious and is going to Singapore in first class. Stuff flying on an economy ticket when this first class seat is vacant.

This seat is available and I am going to Singapore first class.

The biscuit chucker get's pretty pissed off by this as this blonde will not move out of the seat so goes up to the cockpit to see the captain.

"Captain, I have a passenger who has an economy class ticket for 26B and she is sitting in first class in 4A and will not move, She says that she is beautiful,young,vivacious and is going to Singapore in first class. Stuff flying on an economy ticket when this first class seat is vacant."

The Captain says to the biscuit chucker that this is not a problem at all and he will sort it out.

This stuns the biscuit chucker.

The Captain is married to a blonde,he speaks blonde and understands the situation. He can sort it out no problem.

As the aircraft is before pushback and still boarding (the co-pilot is handling the cockpit tasks) the great dignified Captain goes back to the blonde in 4A,sits next to her and has a little whisper in her ear for about 2 minutes.

The blonde after this little chat gets up and walks down the aisle to 26B seat.

The biscuit chucker is just stunned as she has tried everything in all her years of experience to get this lady to go to her booked seat.

She says to the Captain " How the hell did you get her to go back to her seat after all I have tried with my years at Qantas as being a flight attendant bending and accomodating every wish and need to the pasengers?"

The Captain replied.

"I just simply told her that first class is not going to Singapore":p

This older guy loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will l give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Beer Troubleshooting
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but

the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked

on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

The "Here After"
A young AJOR member (probably late teens) is out with a new girl.
After an interesting dinner (Macca's), they go for a drive up in the hills in his classic XJ.
In a nice secluded spot it stalls, he suggests they give the car a rest & have a chat.
After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, she advises that she is a strict Christian. She gets a Bible out of her hand bag & starts to quote all sorts of stuff.
You can imagine what this does for his ego!
After a while he manages to get a few words in & asks her what she understands about the "Here After"
She replies by quoting John & Peter & all sorts of stuff, all the while he sits there shaking his head.
Eventually out of frustration she says to him "Well what do you mean by the Here After"
He replies" Its quite simple really; If your not Here After the same thing that I am Here After, you will be Here After I leave" ............
__________________

On fire layback40...:)....Lol.......... Hard to keep-up....:)......

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting 4WD's banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department
of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber from a 'recreational area' . . .
I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

Two Victorians, Bob and Tom, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bob stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp
vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Bob immediately blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into V.B. beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Tom looked disgustedly at Bob whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Tom said,

"Nice going Bob! ... Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck, only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says
'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

















She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,


SLIM & TALL

40 D Breasts

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS


























When she walks into a room, people say,

“ Oh MY God”

I love these jokes. Keep em coming...............Penguin

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following ...on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says............ "Blow Job Revenge"

A farmer bought a very expensive rooster from his friend on the next farm on the promise the rooster would service every hen the farm had.
In the farmyard , the farmer gave Roy, the rooster a pep talk. "Roy, I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

Roy took off like a shot and did his duty with every hen in the henhouse - three times over. Then Roy made for the duck pen and repeated the act. Later the farmer saw Roy take off after a flock of geese and again have his fun.

The farmer was distraught. He was worried his expensive rooster would not last even 24 hours. Sure enough, the next morning, the farmer woke to find Roy stone cold in the middle of the yard.

Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a dedicated and expensive animal, shook his head and said: "Oh Roy, I told you t pace yourself, now look what you've done to yourself."

Roy opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said: "Shhh, they're getting closer."

The Rooster!


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."



The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."


The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.


The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."




Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!!!

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Senior Citizens

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.



"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".



"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.



The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"



Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."



"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.



"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.



"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a gorgeous young woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting, including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"



"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.



"I put drops in her eyes."

An Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy *****!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
__________________

Just so you all understand !!!

You know you're an Aussie if..........



* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.



* You think it was normal to have a leader called Kevin.





* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal,



such as watering the garden.





* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.





* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.





* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.









* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.





* You call your best friend 'a total b@stard' but someone you really, truly despise is 'a bit of a b@stard'.





* You think 'Yackandandah' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.





* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.





* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.





* You instinctively understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'



but that 'Woy Woy' can't ever be called 'Woy'.





* You believe that salty Yeast Extract makes a good breakfast spread.. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms..





* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,



at which point they again become Kiwis.





* You expect beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course!

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any



rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again', and "Living next door to Alice".





* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.





* You wear ugg boots outside the house.





* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian, but then sold off for a pittance.





* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.





* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.





* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude,
While 'scuse me' is always polite.





* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.





* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.



* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket.



* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.



* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.



* When working at a bar, you understand that

male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.



* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in ''-o'':



arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.



* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.



* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like *****. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.



* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.



* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet

- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.



* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man.

And the women make the Salad.



* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.



* You understand what no wucking furries means.



* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.



* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.



* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.



* You know that some people pronounce
Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.




__________________

Hang on that's multi tasking. Us blokes can't do that.

Layback, Where the hell are you getting all these jokes from?


Your on a massive roll.:cool:

I have around 100 people on my email friends list. I get about 20 joke emails a day. Some I pass on the remainder I delete.
I have probably got about 10,000 joke emails stored in various files.
Pity power points cant be posted on here!! i have some good ones.

I am glad that members are getting a laugh.
If any one is offended by any, please PM me & I will delete it !! Or better still just block me & then you will not see them.

I just have to work out what one kj69 got rid of so I dont post it again !!

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to cl ean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shoot ing truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama. ------ Moral: Never lie to your Mama

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Mary', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE

Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead
Backwards: Driver Returns On Foot
Fawked Over Rebuilt Dodge
Fawked On Race Day
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM

General Maintenance
Government Motors

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on my window. I roll down the window and ask, “What’s going on?”

He says “Terrorists have kidnapped Julia Gillard and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse her in gasoline and set her on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” I ask.

The man replies, “About 4 ltrs.”

YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-The farm was used to produce produce.
-The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
-We must polish the Polish furniture.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out.
-The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
-Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
-A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
-When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
-I did not object to the object.
-The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
-There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...
-They were too close to the door to close it.
-The buck does funny things when the does are present.
-A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
-To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
-The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
-Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
-I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
-How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
__________________

At some point in a guy's life.... it comes down to this.


Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.


5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
__________________

LOVE STORY

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu