Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in
Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had
heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and
ended up in Venice .

On the Bridge of Sighs , they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.
A
few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a
person, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have
seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and
suffered the same fate as the first, sucked dry and tossed into the
canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.

In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the
first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over
the
rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it
was time to head back home and leave lovely Italy . As they started to
walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no
one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was
coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under
the
bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang.......




















.........Wait for it

















.......it's really bad


















.......no it's really really bad


















'drained wops keep falling on my head.......'

One Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hah bah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , .....all rukin same

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.



"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.



"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.



"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.



Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.



The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.



Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.



The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.



After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"



The man replied, "Edinburgh"



"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."



"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

Hey Bruggz they have found a name for it !!!

A.A.A.D.D. - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to put it in the microwave to warm it up.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coffee, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.
I put the coffee on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a cold mug of coffee sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mails

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'







The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'







God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'







The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.







God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death. Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.

Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck..."

Q: What do you call a cow with only 2 right legs? A: Lean beef!

Q: Why did the cat sit on the computer? A: To keep an eye on the mouse.

Q: Where do American cows come from? A: Moo York.

Q: Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down? A: Two hundred soles were lost.

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day? A: So they can fight knights!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: How do you make a butterfly? A: Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!

Q: What's the biggest moth in the world? A: A mammoth!

Q: How do you take a pig to hospital? A: By Hambulance!

Q: Where do cows go on their first date? A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the talking bird join the air force? A: He wanted to be a parrot-trooper.

Q. Where do rabbits learn to fly? A. In the Hare Force.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player? A: A pinch hitter.



Getting Older:
Your kids are becoming you...but your grandchildren are perfect!
Going out is good... Coming home is even better!
You forget names... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything... especially golf.
The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON" and "OFF" switch.
You tend to use more 4 letter words: "what?"..."when?"
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

Police found a man dead, scratched to pieces by sheets of sand paper.
Sitting nearby was the attacker.
On asking the sandpaper murderer why he had done the deed he replied,
"I didn't mean to do it! i just wanted to rough him up a bit!!"


I went to the doctors the other day with a steering wheel poking out the front of my pants.
The doctor asked, "What's that doing there?"
"I don't know," I replied, "But it's driving me nuts!"