Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""

First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is OSCAR PISTORIUS?"

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the ********in swing," replied the drunk..

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEANINGS OF BOYS' NAMES..

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
Amir - Dirty, Smelly, Pecker is minuscule.
Andy - boring and has a small pecker.
Andrew - gay and still has a small pecker.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Bradley - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's just a naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - wanker of the first order
Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'Legends of the Fall').
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
Darryl - Hung like a pit pony, can suck a golf ball through a hosepipe and breathe through his lugs : )
David - total wanker - hated by all.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a ************.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Emrys - Load mouth gob shite.
Elliott - Full of himself
Eric - shy.
Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth
Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex
Graham - will screw anything
Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Guy - Covers his back, has a small dick.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but very manipulative, not to be trusted around young girls.
Haydn - tries hard.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!).
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - Scum of the Earth.
James - built like a horse.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jason - Total cock whore
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot. Always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hotty and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating, insecure & jealous.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kevin - Always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis, really nice to women.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything** you want him to be.
Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse, likes small boys.
Ky - see Kain.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Les - calm, calculating, intelligent, sexy.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet - Luke Solomons exactly!
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - Fantasises about pretty lights, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke - Tries to tell everyone
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks, mouthy bastard though.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mitchell - the ugliest dog and he don't get any.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Noel - an absolute diamond, sexy, funny and faultless....ap**art from when it comes to sorting out contents insurance for his home
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in pricks.
Paul - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rashpal - C@@t
Reagen - ...strange.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long,long time ago.
Richard - cant see his feet balls are to big
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant ******** who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be arrogant.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - gay.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
William - wishes he were popular but is ultimately a c@@t.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable

GIRLS' NAMES:
Ada - Blue haired, smells of wee.
Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs
Alison - Bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Amanda - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. A good shag though.
Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted.
Andrea - Small breasts, drinks pints.
Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually foun hanging around toilets.
Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - She's BIG.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - Ginger.
Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears.
Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Claire - Usually neurotic, gives good head, can have lesbian tendencies.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
Daisy - Virgin.
Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Doris - Purple haired, stinks of wee.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths.
Elizabeth - Born to rock, hates chickens.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth
Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Faith - Legs met at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - She'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, gives head.
Francine - French.
Gabrielle - French too.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day.
Gaynor - Lesbian.
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, a screamer.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Isabelle - necessary on a bicycle?
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
Jane - Babe, I'd drink her bath water.
Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jemma - Does ********, wears too much eye make-up.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica - Virgin, always will be.
Joanne - Moans in her sleep, can't cook, moans when she wakes up
Jordan - Ha ha ha ha ha - nuff said.
Judith - Big eyes, big tits
Judy - Huge tits, married to an arse.
Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
Justine- Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - Jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant.
Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - see Catherine.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
Kylie - Trendy sex kitten that all the lads wanna shag (and probably have)
Kym - Illiterate parents - see Kim
Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive.
Lauren - Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Linda - Teenage bride, can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainey.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet jellybabies
Louise/a - Phwoooorrrrrrrrrr, Boing Boing Boing.
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - Ugly lesbian.
Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mary - had a little lamb.
Maxine - drinks, smokes, swears and farts like a bloke
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melissa - Eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Olive - Oily skin, oils up well.
Olivia - Neutron bomb.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Pat - Butt ugly lesbian.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker for Basildon.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes men to be stiff.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Petra - Dead dog.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her cheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rhonda - Help me, help me.
Rosalind - Whahey, nuff said. Maybe 10 years ago.
Rose - Can be prickly, good head giver
Roseanne - ERRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Rula - She measures up well.
Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up, stand up
Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sarah - Likes pressed flowers and body piercing.
Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Shania - Often feels like a woman
Sharon - Shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
Sheila - Very big Down Under
Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Wurly whole, likes bananas.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
Sinitta - who?
Sonya - Dirty lady of the night. Often referred to as a "carrier"
Sophie - Brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
Stacey -Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue - Always in court
Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave.
Tanya - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
Tiffany - who?
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - Lives under a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear.Loves kittens.
Tracey - Lesbian.
Ulrika - ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka.
Ursula - Likes puppies, in curry.
Vicky- Likes Yoga. And Women.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.
Zandra - Strange appearance, eats guinea pigs dipped in chocolate.

just been watching the ladies beach volleyball today,and there has already been a bad wrist injury...The doctor says i should be ok by the morning though!

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties..."

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, dey always look for dat black box first."

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."

An Indian man on his death bed."Sanjita, my wife, are you here?""Yes, my husband.""My son and daughter, are you here?""Yes, Papa.""Then who's in the ********ing shop?"