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- - How tuff are Aussie blokes? (https://www.ausjeepoffroad.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113029)

layback40

23-02-2012 08:11 PM

Australian Police Entrance Test – Private & Confidential

An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says : "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says : "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

layback40

23-02-2012 08:16 PM

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's.. You are just a pervert.

layback40

23-02-2012 08:42 PM

They walk among us

I walked into a Subway with a buy one get one free coupon for a
Sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
Chalkboard that said "buy one, get one free". "They're already buy one
Get one free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me
Two free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
Shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
One friend looked up at the sky and Said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
Direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
Waking Him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
Sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that Stuff."

They Walk Among Us and Some are Realtors!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
Got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
Open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
Days A week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

My friend has a sister that has a lifesaving tool in her car. It is
Designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it
In The boot.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
Discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The
Cashier multiplied 2 x 10% = 20% and gave us a 20% discount. We went
Back and got two more cases. They also work in liquor stores in Sydney.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
The
Lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
Up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
Professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
Plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
To go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
It cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for a moment before
Responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
Enough To eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

AND......... They reproduce!

bruggz351

24-02-2012 02:45 PM

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

layback40

24-02-2012 04:36 PM

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a ********** count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
Soaked it in hot water ,still nothing
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

layback40

24-02-2012 04:40 PM

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

bruggz351

24-02-2012 04:44 PM

LOL...nice :)

Damn layback, your a hard man to keep up too... :)
Keep it up dude, I'm enjoyin this..

cheers

layback40

24-02-2012 06:44 PM

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives
you a hard way to go!

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks,

"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES,

PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads

"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded

layback40

25-02-2012 06:37 PM

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
Then you are probably...
The family dog.

A couple of very elderly gents were chatting.
Fred: "Gee, I'm really feeling my age lately, aches n pains all over..."
George: "Really? I don't, I feel just like a newborn baby! Got no hair, no teeth and I just peed in my nappy."

layback40

25-02-2012 06:38 PM

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If Julia is in office much longer - tinned food, a generator, water and ammunition are your best bets."

layback40

26-02-2012 10:39 AM

Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey drip put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

layback40

26-02-2012 10:58 AM

I just love these old folk's stories.........always thinking of ways to save a dollar!

$7.00 Sex

A couple, both well into their 80s go to a
sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse? '

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. ' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple
makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor
says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything, She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Banshee

27-02-2012 08:48 PM

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

layback40

27-02-2012 10:11 PM

Costco doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a ********** sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

layback40

28-02-2012 08:15 AM

The Arrogance of Authority

A Fed police officer stopped at a farm in QLD, and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The Fed officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....
On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw
the Fed officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of
his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

layback40

28-02-2012 03:48 PM

See if i got this right!!!

If you cross the north korean border

illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the iranian border

illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the afghan border

illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the saudi arabian border

illegally you will be jailed.

If you cross the chinese border

illegally you may never be heard from again..

If you cross the venezuelan border

illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the cuban border illegally

you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

If you sail illegally into australia you get !!!

A job,
a drivers license,
social security card,
welfare,
credit cards,

subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,

free education,

free health care,
billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language

the right to carry your country's flag while you

protest that you don't get enough respect

and,
in many instances,

you can vote.

SteveT

28-02-2012 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by layback40 (Post 1266341)

Yep,
The most prized border to cross on this earth...... Lifetime care.... Even in the land of the free, you would only get six months aide to get going along & have to stand on your own feet after that as they say.....................

bruggz351

28-02-2012 06:34 PM

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you're my kid!"

layback40

28-02-2012 07:58 PM

An aboriginal’s son asks his dad, "Dad, what's Democracy?"

"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"

"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"

"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

layback40

29-02-2012 08:02 PM

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

layback40

01-03-2012 05:08 AM

Meeting girls at bars is like window shopping. You're looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.

bruggz351

02-03-2012 03:10 PM

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says,"Yes I am. But let me ask you something,
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The shop assistantsays, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."

Dudzy

05-03-2012 11:46 PM

Hahahahaha, best thread ever :P

layback40

06-03-2012 08:36 AM

You need to change this one a little. Should be an Aussie bloke !!

http://holycannoli.posterous.com/her...agnificent-jew

layback40

06-03-2012 04:32 PM

WHY AUSSIE MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Aussie Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Aussie Men Are Just Happier People

layback40

06-03-2012 04:36 PM

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney .
I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

layback40

06-03-2012 04:39 PM

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

layback40

06-03-2012 04:40 PM

I just read an article about a lady who makes ice cubes from left over wine.

I am so confused!

What the f# ck is left over wine?

Grahame

06-03-2012 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by layback40 (Post 1268121)

I can be President? Where do I apply?

layback40

06-03-2012 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grahame (Post 1268178)

I can be President? Where do I apply?

We dont have a President in Australia !!! The place is run by a red headed clown just like Macca's !! & not a milky bar in site !!!!

layback40

08-03-2012 08:48 AM

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his small, near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa, was an Aboriginal called Cactus.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him. He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park

and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job."

Siruke

08-03-2012 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by layback40 (Post 1268121)

----------------------------------------
One more for the list
Men have 2 brains but only enough blood to supply one one a time

Banshee

08-03-2012 09:57 AM

A lawyer had just parked his BMW on the street in New York and had just opened the door to get out, when a taxi came past & took the door right off.

The lawyer leapt out of his car & started screaming at the taxi driver about the damage to his car, about how he was going to sue him for everything he had.

A passing cop had seen what happened & came over to the lawyer & said, "You lawyers! You're so materialistic!"

"What?". shouted the lawyer to the cop.

"You haven't even noticed that the taxi also took off your left arm.", replied the cop.

The lawyer looked down in horror & screamed, "MY ROLEX!"

bruggz351

08-03-2012 04:47 PM

A Muslim at the Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies, and by some error in handling ends up in heaven.

He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St-Peter who says sorry, but we don`t allow Muslims into Heaven.

What? replies the Muslim, and why not?

Well, we just don`t .......

The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up.

Well, says St-Peter--have you ever done anything good in your life?

Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten quid. Last week I donated ten quid to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten quid also.

Alright then says St-Peter--wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.

Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim.

Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me---

Here`s your 30 quid back, now ******** off

layback40

09-03-2012 04:52 PM

Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.

layback40

11-03-2012 04:57 PM

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

layback40

13-03-2012 11:17 PM

A devout Muslim enters a taxi in Sydney, once seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio, because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, because in the time of the prophet there was no music allowed, especially Western music which is the music of the infidels ........

So the cab driver switches off the radio, stops the cab, gets out, and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: What are you doing, man?

The cab driver answers: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so get out and wait for a damn camel.

layback40

13-03-2012 11:40 PM

Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back.

layback40

18-03-2012 07:59 PM

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks

you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run

For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER

AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

layback40

20-03-2012 09:26 PM

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind b@st@rd, d!ck-head, As!an p!ck or w@nker anywhere on the way to school today!'

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