Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.

For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

Whilst standing at the pub urinals my mate said "I bet that i've got a bigger cock than you".

I said "Ok, 50 quid says you aint".

He pulled out his 8 inch floppy and said "Ha ha, I f##king told ya".

To which I replied "That isn't bigger than me, i'm six foot you c#nt".

My neighbour came over the other day and asked if I'd be her jogging partner.

I told her I would first have to check with my cardiologist.

Well, he didn’t like the idea. So, I gave her your phone l number so you can expect a call in the next day or two.

You might want to check with YOUR doctor before you make a decision ... just saying!

http://i.imgur.com/55YEbqU.gifv

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said, 'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'
'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!!.. smile emoticon

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony: They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony) A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them. The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . .The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok . I bet you never knew this:)

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.