Was starting to miss the joke updates. Keep em coming, lot of ppl enjoy them and appreciate your efforts

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we’ve never left one up there.

My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

“Pretend to be someone you’re aren’t and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”



If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen me dancing at a concert.

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Hold, Brothers, Hold … CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of your cup)

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Next time somebody complains about the younger generation, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

A bookshop is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

Things my Mother taught me.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

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[emoji33]check out the bottom of the pic...

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Signs You’re Getting Old.
20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
16. You hear your favorite song in a lift.
15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
10. You take naps.
9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh fuck, what happened?"
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.