1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favourite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.


I told her I was looking for cheap flights.


"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.


That night we had the most amazing love making ever....



Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

I was enjoying a few prawns last night and had a thought:


I reckon prawns should be re-named "Gillards" -

All the meat is in the arse and the head is full of shit!

Rules for dating my teen daughter Kailey!!!!!
 

Rules for dating my Daughter
“Kailey”

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as ******** not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch Kailey in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off Kailey's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete ********wits. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with Kailey, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this as I don’t give a ********ing shit about your advice or your view of the world. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have Kailey safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with Kailey. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will sure as shit make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for Kailey to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. Kailey is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Story Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like wash my Jeep or pouring me a Rum?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with Kailey
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce Kailey to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Footy games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a larger, gray haired, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to Kailey, I am the meanest mother ********er that ever walked in the valley of the shadow of death and I truly fear no ********en evil, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your little universe. Therefore if I ask you where the ******** you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a bad temper; I punch with the force of freight train and have many friends who will provide me with a cast iron alibi. So do not trifle with me little man.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a hot Iraq fire zone. When my drugs starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns and to hold the line and let no enemy pass
To bring Kailey home, As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought Kailey home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The voice from the dark will be me and I am armed and dangerous

Another Pistorius Joke
 

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines Day and shoot all over his wife's face while imagining she was someone else?

i have joined a club in melbourne called DADD dads against daughters dating
its motto is "shoot the first one and word will spread"

Bahahahaha where do I sign!?!? :mrgreen:

Teacher asks the kids in class:


"What do you want to be when you grow up?


"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs,
take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,
an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe ,
an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child,
decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"