AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand

AUSJEEPOFFROAD.COM Jeep News Australia and New Zealand (https://www.ausjeepoffroad.com/forum/index.php)

- Off Topic Chitchat (https://www.ausjeepoffroad.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=121)

- - How tuff are Aussie blokes? (https://www.ausjeepoffroad.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113029)

How tuff are Aussie blokes?

How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

And a "smart" Aussie would be holding it in "Both Hand's" just to impress alittle bit more........Lol.......
Good one..........

Yerr made me laugh. That will be one I forward to a few friends.

Regards A

If you want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, you could change to a Nissan Drive , a Toyota Driver & a Jeep Driver. Then stick it on other forums.

Good one.

Hunno: Then you'd have to lose the accented spelling, though...

Aussies are not only tuff but smart

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that
their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australias Northern Territory Times, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely fu ** -all.

Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone
wireless."...

makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

Quote:

Originally Posted by anthonygubbin (Post 1261011)

Top of the Pop's A.G...............:)..... Great one.............:)

Gr8 boff ov em... jus wot we needed for humpday

WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional w@nker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to ***** and moan about it whenever we bl##dy like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne,
whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable' ... At least
that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bl##dy cold
and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with suga.
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their
speedos up their cr@cks to keep the left and right sides of their
brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the
track caused the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them
still work there in the Government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos,
Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest
beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali .

And there's Queensland ... While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth
noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day
and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dick-heads remains a
mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're
whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.

We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be
right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our
national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who
commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. We're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball,
rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

No sorrie's,:)
I am liking this stuff!!..:D.......:)....

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveT (Post 1261068)

No sorrie's,:)
I am liking this stuff!!..:D.......:)....

Steve,
laughter can sometimes be the best medicine!!!

The electric fence and the lawn mower

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 260 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Bunnings 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a diesel battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still..

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of January, 44 degrees C, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ So I did....she's 21, and her name's Lucy!

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face.

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of red heads, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b@stard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him “Dandenong.”

I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well, since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: ** ** Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: ** ** Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: ** ** You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: ** ** You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: ** ** You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: ** ** So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: ** ** What happened?

Bryan: ** ** Traded him in for a Kevin 07

John: ** ** Big mistake.

Bryan: ** ** Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: ** ** How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: ** ** Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: ** ** Anything else?

Bryan: ** ** Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: ** ** Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: ** ** Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: ** ** What was the problem?

Bryan: ** ** Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: ** ** Whatcha got now?

Bryan: ** ** It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: ** ** The hybrid?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: ** ** Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: ** ** The Fustercluck model.

John: ** ** The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: ** ** Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: ** ** So that's why you're here?

Bryan: ** ** That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: ** ** Join the queue brother.
**

SENSITIVE MAN TEST:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C.. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,

'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.

‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,

a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

"You a gonna try again!"

Using that term "French friends" very lightly!!!

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?"
You could have heard a pin drop.

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day.
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.

A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the English, U..S. , Canadian, Australian and French Navies.. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English.
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's, Kiwi's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are proud to be a British, American, Canadian, Australian or a New Zealander pass this on! If not, delete it.

And who said I can "waffle" a bit....:)...........Lol.......... Keep it going,.yeahhhh.....:cool:.

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his
nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the
request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image and
might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'M IN IT TO WIN
IT".

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's
room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his
left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia .. "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I'd like to
do the same."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hunno (Post 1259729)

If you want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, you could change to a Nissan Drive , a Toyota Driver & a Jeep Driver. Then stick it on other forums.

Actually. I am going to post it on the Patrol forum with the Aussie Jeep Driver,The Kiwi Nissan driver and the South African Toyota driver.

However stoking the fire with one hand on the penis and the other holding a VB.

I'm going out with the Patrol boys next weekend. If I get stuck I hope they don't run with the snatch strap.

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".

Rastus mate,

that should be...holding a VB in one hand, a pie in the other and stoking the fire with his.....

Chopper sets the standard ;)

I think the mods are to be congratulated for letting this thread run !!
Or maybe they are all still ROFL ??
Please keep it going!!!
Just look at the number of views it gets!!
It must be good for the site stats.

An Aussie bloke, a Frenchman and an Italian guy are sitting together at the bar in the departure lounge at Kingsford Smith, waiting for their flight. They begin discussing the art of lovemaking and before long the bragging begins.

"When I give my mistress one hour of gentle touching and extended oral pleasure, she literally rises above the covers in ecstacy when she climaxes" begins the Frenchman, sipping on his glass of wine.

"Ahh, that's very admirable my Gallic friend" replies the Italian after sampling hi Campari & soda, and not to be out done adds "however after making long and passionate romance to my lover she arches her back and rises half a metre off the bed in absolute unbridled pleasure when she reaches orgasm".

The Aussie, who's listening to all this with a faint smirk on his face, knocks back the rest of his schooner of VB and snorts "That's nothin fellas. After I'm done rootin' the missus for a couple of minutes I jump staight out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtains, and she hits the f****** roof!"

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

In QLD there is a story that shows what a great country this is. At a rodeo, we had a horrible accident. There was a fireworks accident that killed a cowboy. After the explosion, all that was left was a cowboy hat and a horse's ass. Damned if today it isn't .....................

Oscar drove his brand new jeep to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new jeep!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
__________________

A fellow bought a new V8 hemi jeep and was out on an back road for a nice evening drive. The windows were down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 120kph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a V8 hemi," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160 170 and finally 190 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the bottom corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Australuia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricketers who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ******* I'm putting on the island next to them...."

A plane load of people is on its way down to crash.
Some a screeming, some a crying, some are praying.

All of a sudden, a young vivacious woman jumps up and yells, "If I'm going to day, somebody make me feel like a woman one last time!"

Silence.

A strapping young Aussie in the back stands up and says "OK!"

Real silence now.

He unbuttons his shirt, revealing a very muscular hairy chest, takes it off, goes up to the woman, hands her the shirt, and tells her to wash it and get him a beer.

Part of Quanta's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people. So the other day at Mascot, as passengers on a 767 were waiting for the flight to leave, the entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spread throughout the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming!
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up front in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!

Woah!!! Layback's on fire..:lol:

Keep up the good work man...

A bloke goes to the chemist and spots this top sort behind the counter, he gets a pack of condoms and walks to the counter and asks her if she can help him try them on. she replies with a wink, "what's in it for me?"