A blonde was driving when she saw d flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace. . . . Two weeks later, she got five tickets for driving without a seat belt!!..

Why did the man tattoo $100 on his penis? So he could play with his money! So he could watch his money grow! And so when his wife wanted to blow $100 she could stay home!

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question!!..

WELCOME to 2015:

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS !

I'm scared – Shitless

and

This is "Priceless".

Subject: Fwd: Sex on Mars
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways.
As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

A Good Hunting Dog
Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any
ducks out on the swamp.
If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out on the swamp . The dog comes back and barks
twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out
there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back
he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out
there!
Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out
and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its
mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg..
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog
is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started
humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you
there are more f...ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".

My mate called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"
"I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good."
"Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in a bit!!..