can't lie!
it's brilliant i check twice a day for updates at least in here.. just so much laughs. my Boss gets a kick out of them 'the short' ones i can send him more like a few lines hahaaha but they are a CRACKER!!!!

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl / tzitzis and
traditional locks of hair.


He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.
”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him
a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks
for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother
the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him,
and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

The Retiring Priest

A Catholic Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to
make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited."I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his wife. I was
appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies
at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for
Confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
__________________

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side



Now here are the rules from the male side



These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Baahaa ..Classic.

MY DOCTOR...


Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years

Before he realised she was Chinese.


~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said,
"Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~
One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,
"When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice:
"Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought
he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said,
"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

The missus left a note on the fridge this morning saying,
"It's no good it's not working......I'm going to stay at mums for a while."
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer looked well chilled.
F##ked if I know what she's on about