A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' ... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants . . ."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Sydney and Surfers, and a 100,000 acre property in the Kimberly. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back!"

LOL Yesssssss - THAT's sooooo gold! hahahahahahahahahaha maaaaan so good~!

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona, a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

The Agony of Aging & daylight savings time



On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb buggar! - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Sleeping with Bob
The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly...
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
...................................
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night."

> > "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked
> > her husband.
> >
> > "No"...said her husband.
> >
> > She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
> > her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a
> > soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar
> > bill.
> >
> > He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled
> > approvingly.
> >
> >
> > "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... She then asked
> > her husband?
> >
> > "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
> >
> > She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
> > seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... And pulled out a
> > crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
> >
> > He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... And started breathing a
> > little quicker with anticipation.
> >
> > "Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
> >
> > "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... And
> > excited).
> >
> > "Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
>

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to
4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Julia was being driven home by her chauffeur when suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Julia, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving." So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it was old.
"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Julia .
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Julia .
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a wonderful meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Julia . "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."