*In The Wisdom Of Solomon*
Two women in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat. The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat!" Both women stood for the rest of the journey. Argument done! |
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. "Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who f###ked up your hair?" |
Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.
- Oscar Wilde A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time, or I'll throw you overboard....so it's up to you, sync or swim." A local business placed the following ad: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." The next day, a dog trotted into the office and up to the receptionist. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he leads him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager and said, "Meow!" An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display. "I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "What did you say?" questioned the artist. "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "He said he was your doctor...." |
There was a frugal tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a buck or two where he could. So, he often would thin down his paint to make it go a bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so, he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack far off the scaffold to land on the ground. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" Interviewing the young Swede for a job as teller, the bank president is amazed with the skill the applicant exhibits at handling money. "So," the president says, "where did you get your training?" "Yale," the fair-haired youth replies. "I see. And what did you say your name was?" He answers, "Yackson." The three-time felon felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder looking jurors and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict. Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?" "It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you." "I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone." |
I went to the Doctor's yesterday with stomach pains.....
He said, "I can't find anything wrong with you, it must be the drink" . "OK!!!" I said, "I'll come back when you're sober".....!!! |
He said, she said.
'You must be tolerant. It is absolutely essential or you’re out!' I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall, "Usually at the ATM." A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "That must be a very smart dog," the man commented. "Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." "Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior." - Rita Rudner More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a jackaroo. Taking pity on him, a station owner decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lasso. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the rope. "And what do you use for bait?" The weary holiday traveller looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter. Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?" "Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. "English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation." - Unknown |
I met a fairy yesterday who said who would grant me a wish.
I said, " I wish to live forever." "Sorry." replied the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that wish. Or the one for more wishes, either." "OK," I said, "I want to die the day after Parliment is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men & women, who only act in the best interest of the people." The fairy glared at me and said, "You crafty bastard!" |
What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A happy Rottweiler!! Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. When George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe vs Wade was, he replied it was the decision that George Washington needed to make when he planned for his army to cross the Delaware. A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere, Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle, he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it friend," the man says, "I'm your neighbour. I have a ranch about 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancin', drinkin' huggin', kissin' and fightin'.... It's gonna be a great time!" Not wanting to be un-neighbourly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?" "Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbour. "Only gonna be the two of us." A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so the sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" he asked. "No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied. "What's the difference?" asked the sergeant The lieutenant answered, "The difference is I'm scared with a university education." |
"My son has taken up meditation... at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing."
- Max Kauffmann What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!" My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister. He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat." "The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it." - Harold Rome My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield. Heaven vs. Hell In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian. "When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime." - Tim Cavanagh |
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, are you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it" Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. I learned to drive a truck in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked, "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No I'm deliverin' a bridge... here's your sign." |
A farmer gets a phone call from his son...I've run over a pig and It's stuck under the tractor still alive,Shoot it says the farmer and bury it,about 20 minutes later he gets another call,Done that..now what the fuck should a do with his speed camera and motorbike
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Amazingly simple home remedies
If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Below are three trick questions. You must answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Let's find out just how clever you really are.... First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. How can you overtake the LAST Person? Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. "Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn't have enough features yet." Footnote ~ the answer to the maths question is wrong! take 4000 you have - 4000 then add 40 to it, you have - 3960 add 1000 you have - 3920 add 30 you have - 3890 add 1000 you have - 2890 add 20 you have - 2070 add 1000 you have -1070 add 10 you have -1060 |
The Sensuous Wife
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?", asked the wife. ... "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked. "Uh, no," he said. She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," he said, now really intrigued. "Well, go look in the garage…" |
If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now called an Edison?
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My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor. A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." "Here's something that will really make you feel grown up," said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own mobile phone bill”. Don't judge your wife too harshly for her weaknesses. If she didn't have them chances are she would have never married you. The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?" "Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." -Mark Twain When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember." I stopped at a friend’s house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females." Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone." "He's called a broker because after you deal with him that's exactly what you are." Unknown Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked, "For what?!" The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." |
im tuff !!!!
im so tuff when I get up in the morning and have my coco pops for breakfast they don't go snap crackle n pop , they go shh here he comes !!! |
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
In good company? Results of a competition to find dumb things in company correspondence. 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping.) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.-This one should have won first place.) 6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 9. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) My seven-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?" "Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth." But why? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that to stop Windows, you must click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? |
>
> > * * Law of Mechanical Repair > > > > - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch > > and you'll have to pee. > > > > ** Law of Gravity > > > > Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible > > place in the universe. > > > > ** Law of Probability > > > > The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity > > of your act. > > > > ** Law of Random Numbers > > > > - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always > > answers. > > > > ** Variation Law > > > > If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always > > move faster than the one you are in now. > > > > ** Law of the Bath > > > > When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. > > > > ** Law of Close Encounters > > > > The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you > > are with someone you don't want to be seen with. > > > > ** Law of the Result > > > > When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! > > > > ** Law of Biomechanics > > > > The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. > > > > ** Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas > At any event, the people whose > > seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who > > will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and > > who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The > > folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs > > or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle > > people also are very surly folk. > > > > ** The Coffee Law > > > > - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to > > do something which will last until the coffee is cold. > > > > ** Murphy's Law of Lockers > > > > - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent > > lockers. > > > > ** Law of Physical Surfaces > > > > The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor > > are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. > > > > ** Law of Logical Argument > > > > Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. > > > > ** Law of Physical Appearance > > > > If the clothes fit, they're ugly. |
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities , press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. If you are manic-depressive , hang up. it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6. If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before thebeep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up. |
"When you see the writing on the wall.... you can bet you're in a public restroom."
"I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I never have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives?" Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here." Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke." I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot. My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First, she got tonsillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would never win that spelling bee. Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...." Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother." |
"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him." A Public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you. Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.' 'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!' The Public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets......' A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together." "How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?" |
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord! Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...' They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him. Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away, and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again, Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye 'tis, NOW hand me dat shovel.' I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. He didn't want to marry her for her money, but he didn't know how else to get it. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. chicken |
I MIGHT WAKE UP EARLY
AND GO RUNNING, I ALSO MIGHT WAKE UP AND WIN THE LOTTERY… THE ODD`S ARE ABOUT THE SAME. I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business. cid:165d42ff75d4cff311 This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?" I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?" She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen". cid:165d42ff75d5b16b22 I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you're over seventy five...............who cares? cid:165d42ff761692e333 I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." cid:165d42ff7637745b44 Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" cid:165d42ff763855d355 I said "No... She's pretty good looking....." When you're over seventy five.............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you." cid:165d42ff7639374b66 Cost me a fat lip, but... When you're over seventy five..............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... Try." cid:165d42ff764a18c377 After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." It cost me a kick in the nuts, but... cid:165d42ff764afa3b88 When you're over seventy five...............who cares? I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in. cid:165d42ff764bdbb399 When you're over seventy five...............who cares? I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." cid:165d42ff7641f3c04fa The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... cid:165d42ff764201d7d0b When you're over seventy five..............who cares? |
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So, God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years" The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front verandah and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. At Melbourne'sTullamarine Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At the press conference the Attorney-General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” the Attorney-General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked, a commentator said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes". A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that rotten cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" |
>
> > A blonde city girl named Amy marries a > Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, > the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to > impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above > where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is > when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a > while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front > door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down > to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the > nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming > he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm > dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be > bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its > stall," she explains very confidently. > > Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the > nail for?" > The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her > shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied. > > (It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.) |
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states:
"Scientists and Engineers can never earn as much as administrators and sales people." This theorem can now be proved mathematically: Given: Power = Work / Time and, Knowledge is Power Substituting knowledge for power, we obtain: Knowledge = Work/ Time If time = money, then: Knowledge = Work/ Money Solving this equation for money, we obtain: Money = Work/ Knowledge Therefore, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: the less you know, the more you make. |
I stopped by the Holden Colorado dealership yesterday, for a look at the current 2018 pickup thinking that I might be interested in one of these at the End Of Year run out sales.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old. The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a "ME TOO" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its' "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your backside in the winter and directed cool air to it in the summer heat. I mentioned that this must be a COALITION truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought that. "I explained that if it were a GREENS or a LABOR truck, the seats would just blow Hot Air up your arse all year-round!" I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it... |
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Climate debate: 97pc of scientists agree on nothing
IAN PLIMER 12:00AM JANUARY 17, 2019 It is often claimed that 97 per cent of scientists conclude that humans are causing global warming. Is that really true? No. It is a zombie statistic. In the scientific circles I mix in, there is an overwhelming scepticism about humaninduced climate change. Many of my colleagues claim that the mantra of humaninduced global warming is the biggest scientific fraud of all time and future generations will pay dearly. If 97 per cent of scientists agree that there is human-induced climate change, you’d think they would be busting a gut to vanquish climate sceptics in public debates. Instead, many scientists and activists are expressing confected outrage at the possibility of public debates because the science is settled. After all, 97 per cent of scientists agree that human emissions drive global warming and there is no need for further discussion. In my 50-year scientific career, I have never seen a hypothesis where 97 per cent of scientists agree. At any scientific conference there are collections of argumentative sods who don’t agree about anything, argue about data, how data was collected and the conclusions derived from data. Scepticism underpins all science, science is underpinned by repeatable validated evidence and scientific conclusions are not based on a show of hands, consensus, politics or feelings. Scientists, just like lawyers, bankers, unionists, politicians and those in all other fields, can make no claim to being honest or honourable, and various warring cliques of scientists have their leaders, followers, outsiders and enemies. Scientists differ from many in the community because they are allegedly trained to be independent. Unless, of course, whacking big research grants for climate “science” are waved in front of them. The 97 per cent figure derives from a survey sent to 10,257 people with a self-interest in human-induced global warming who published “science” supported by taxpayer-funded research grants. Replies from 3146 respondents were whittled down to 77 selfappointed climate “scientists” of whom 75 were judged to agree that human-induced warming was taking place. The 97 per cent figure derives from a tribe with only 75 members. What were the criteria for rejecting 3069 respondents? There was no mention that 75 out of 3146 is 2.38 per cent. We did not hear that 2.38 per cent of climate scientists with a self-interest agreed that humans have played a significant role in changing climate and that they are recipients of some of the billions spent annually on climate research. Another recent paper on the scientific consensus of human-induced climate change was a howler. Such papers can be published only in the sociology or environmental literature. The paper claimed that published scientific papers showed there was a 97.1 per cent consensus that man had caused at least half of the 0.7C global warming since 1950. How was this 97.1 per cent figure determined? By “inspection” of 11,944 published papers. Inspection is not rigorous scholarship. There was no critical reading and understanding derived from reading 11,944 papers. This was not possible as the study started in March 2012 and was published in mid-2013, hence only a cursory inspection was possible. What was inspected? By whom? The methodology section of the publication gives the game away. “This letter was conceived as a ‘citizen science’ project by volunteers contributing to the Skeptical Science website (www.skepticalscience.com). In March 2012, we searched the Institute for Scientific Information Web of Science for papers published from 1991-2011 using topic searches for ‘global warming’ or ‘global climate change’.” This translates as: This study was a biased compilation of opinions from non-scientific, politically motivated volunteer activists who used a search engine for key words in 11,944 scientific papers, were unable to understand the scientific context of the use of “global warming” and “global climate change”, who rebadged themselves as “citizen scientists” to hide their activism and ignorance, who did not read the complete papers and were unable to evaluate critically the diversity of science published therein. The conclusions were predictable because the methodology was not dispassionate and involved decisions by those who were not independent. As part of a scathing critical analysis of this paper by real scientists, the original 11,944 papers were read and the readers came to a diametrically opposite conclusion. Of the 11,944 papers, only 41 explicitly stated that humans caused most of the warming since 1950 (0.3 per cent). Of the 11,944 climate “science” papers, 99.7 per cent did not say that carbon dioxide caused most of the global warming since 1950. It was less than 1 per cent and not one paper endorsed a man-made global warming catastrophe. Political policy and environmental activism rely on this fraudulent 97 per cent consensus paid for by the taxpayer to rob the taxpayer further with subsidies for birdand-bat-chomping wind turbines, polluting solar panels and handouts to those with sticky fingers in the international climate industry. It’s this alleged 97 per cent consensus that has changed our electricity from cheap and reliable to expensive and unreliable. Activists with no skin in the game are setting the scene for economic suicide. Time for yellow shirts to shirt-front politicians about their uncritical acceptance of a fraud that has already cost the community hundreds of billions of dollars. Emeritus professor Ian Plimer’s latest book, The Climate Change Delusion and the Great Electricity Ripoff, is published by Connor Court. |
Ahhh, no.
Layback40, I love and greatly appreciate the huge effort you make in posting these thousands of jokes; they are my favourite read here, and there is so much I enjoy reading on the forum. However, and with respect, if the quote from Ian Plimer is not intended as a joke then I will only say that there is much Plimer says here, and previously, that is contentious and, in parts, wrong. I don't want to hijack the joke thread, so I will leave it there. It would take another lengthy piece to challenge/rebut each of the points needing a response. Of course, it could be read as a joke, although I don't think Plimer intended that. ; ) Again, with respect, GordonB |
If you don't laugh at this ........ seek help
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" |
“Gee, camping's fun... First night last night. Air bed has more leaks than the Trump Administration, so it's more of a ground cover now. I can't feel my right hip because of the numbness from sleeping on a tree root underneath said "pristine camping site".
Wandered off for a shower this morning after 47 minutes of sleep (I found out the sun comes up about 5.15am, as do 3500 other idiots who are into camping) so allow me for the next five minutes to let you into that experience.... Took Friday's Courier Mail with me and thought I'd go to the crapper first since the snags I cooked to a crisp last night (due to no light to cook with) bound me up tighter than the Gold Coast on Schoolies lockdown. Bad move. I got to cubicle #3 of about ten altogether - I say 'about' because the undeniable stench of 'caravan park arse' overpowering the entire toilet block started the brain to uncontrollably shut down all calculation functions other than breathing in the toxic fog to simply survive. As I sat there contemplating my air conditioned, sweetly smelling home 80km back up the road, the guy in the cubicle next to me is hacking up a lung. This was then followed by a 9 octave, 6 second fart which I can only describe as akin to a whale carcass exploding. North Korea has nothing on this assault capability. I managed to stammer the word "Christ!" at the outburst, which was promptly returned with a neighbourly "Get f**ked" from the offending cubicle. My own relief came shortly afterwards with the very real threat that I may actually pass out on my own private throne if I didn't get fresh air fairly soon, and this was the exact moment when I discovered there was no toilet paper in the roll holder. Panic completely set in, as did the fight or flight instinct. Thinking of myself as a fairly amiable type and mustering up as much genuine mateship for my new found friend in the cubicle next door as I could, I said to him "Mate, I'm out of paper, can you throw me a roll over the top?" This is when I experienced first hand just what a great bond the camping community has, when he replied, "F**k off, enjoy your day." Brings a tear to my eye. Bastard. I'd like to skip the next 4 minutes of resourcefulness, but let's just say pages 3 through to 5 of the paper deserved better treatment. (I wasn't about to desicrate the sports section that I hadn't read.) By this time I'm now more than ready for a shower, albeit it's still only 5.30am. You'll be pleased to know it was incredible - hot, strong, and seemingly like the Universe was finally looking after me on this whole forgettable experience. Oh, my friends, how wrong I was. Got a good lather up, not a vile smell anywhere, and things are going great.... until the f**king hot water turned off under a 5 minute timer with auto re-set after another 5 minutes. So now I'm naked in a park shower, I can't see a thing because of the soap in my eyes that I now can't wash out; I'm freezing my blocks off, my ass has this unpleasant stinging sensation where I've introduced it to world politics on Page 3 of the newspaper; and I'm starting to get a vague appreciation of what life in prison might be like. I've reached for the towel on the door hook like a soaped up, sodomised version of Stevie Wonder, only to find it has dropped onto the wet floor. Yep, God has seen fit to let it drop onto the floor and start soaking up shower water and tinea from a thousand other feral sods who were in there before me. By now I'm pretty well numb to everything camping life can throw at me, and so drying myself off with it seems almost second nature. So..... I'm walking back to the tent which has been left a little like Camp Mogadishu after a bit of a light breeze, I'm smelling like a leprechauns armpit, my jock itch is now into overdrive with Courier Mail printers ink, and I'm wondering when camping is supposed to get fun. At least the coffee is hot. |
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
‘Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?’ The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.’ ‘Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’ ‘OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’ ‘What was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad. Girl, crying again, ‘A prostitute, Daddy!.’ ‘Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!! |
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. and barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!” The owner responds, . "Genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!”... |
A man jumps out of a plane skydiving, he gets to the required height and pulls the ripcord, to his horror the chute doesn't deploy.
He reaches quickly for the emergency chute cord and tugs, the ring comes off in his hand. OMG. Then he sees a man flying up towards him from the ground. He shouts: Hey mate, Do you know anything about parachutes? The man shouts back-to him No, do you know anything about gas cookers? |
I just discovered my age group! I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared? And I don't have acne. Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager. Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!! |
Mark bought Marie a brand new automatic Jeep.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she calls the Jeep dealer and they send out Jimmy, their best technician, to check it out. Jimmy checks the car and can’t find anything wrong with it. So he asked Marie, “Are you sho you be using the right gears, hun?” Marie is mad now. “Yeah you fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask me such a question? I might be a blonde but I ain’t dumb, you know! Of course, I’m using the right gears. I use the (D) during the day and the (N )during the night.” |
THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS - 😱😂😂😂
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"... |
How did we survive?
1. Our sandwiches contained leftover roast chicken; we didn’t have fridges in classrooms or ice bricks in our lunch boxes, but we didn’t get food poisoning. 2. We rode bikes without helmets or adult supervision or bike paths but we mostly just ended up with scarred knees. 3. Our mothers wiped our faces with spit on a hanky not an antibacterial wipe. 4. Tuckshop was sausage rolls and cream donuts but kids were wiry and fast. 5. Our parents rarely knew our teachers’ names, let alone their NAPLAN prep strategy. 6. When our teachers would whack us, we wouldn’t tell our parents for fear of getting punished again, so we avoided trouble in the first place. 7. Our trampolines were netless and sometimes hosed with water and a squirt of Palmolive for extra slipperiness. 8. What was said on the playground stayed on the playground. 9. We went on camps and excursions without 18 forms to be signed and witnessed. 10. As toddlers, we rode in supermarket trolleys without padded trolley liner thingys. 11. Angry teachers were treated with caution. We just prayed for a nice one next year. 12. Weekends were about our parents’ social lives. As kids, we played murder in the dark while parents talked with their friends and forgot we existed. 13. Generally, we went to the closest school, not the best one. 14. Kids got scared before parent-teacher interviews, not teachers. 15. We got ourselves to Saturday sport and told tall tales about how the win was won. 16. Helping with the washing up was as important as homework. 17. Birthday parties were fairy bread and Fanta, not fruit kebabs and face painting. 18. When a kid was injured, people felt sorry for her parents. They didn’t ask what the hell were they thinking letting her climb that tree anyway. 19. Cubby houses were built by kids not bought from Toys R Us. 20. If you did badly in a test, you got a talking to, not a cuddle. 21. A pocket-knife was a perfectly acceptable gift for a 10-year-old. 22. If anyone got air conditioning in their bedroom, it was mum and dad. 23. Family holidays came before kids’ sporting schedules. 24. Your dad’s desire to watch Four Corners trumped your need to watch Battlestar Galactica. 25. A teacher could put mercurochrome on a scraped knee without obtaining our parents’ permission and completing an ‘incident report’. 26. A playdate was walking to a friend’s house, ringing the doorbell and saying, ‘Can Cathy come and play?’ 27. School excursions happened without a ‘risk assessment’ and a two to one kid / parent volunteer ratio. 28. There was no padding on netball hoop posts. 29. No one wrote names on cups at parties. 30. You could offer your friend a bite of your hot dog. 31. If the bus driver yelled at you, the bus driver didn’t get in trouble, you did. 32. If you didn’t make a team, you tried harder or tried something else. 33. Pass the parcel had one winner. 34. There was one kind of milk. It was full cream and it was delicious. 35. Meat was bought at the butcher, and was packed without a use-by date. Our parents used their noses to tell if the mince was off. 36. Getting one present on your Christmas wish list was good result. 37. Drives of longer than an hour happened without supplies of rice crackers and juice. 38. Going to the shops/church/the nursing home to visit Nan was boring as hell but could be endured without an iPad. 39. School holidays were about not being at school, not soccer workshops, art classes and pony camp. 40. Being tired was no excuse for being rude. 41. You had to do something great to get a ‘student of the week’ award. Not just show up at school |
“DECLINING BIKE SALES”
Some of the reasons for the slump in sales at Harley Davison are as follows - Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles. 1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat. 2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on. 3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving. 4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one. 5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped. 6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care. 7 Motorcycles don't have air conditioning. 8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available. 9. They are allergic to fresh air. 10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes. 11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil. 12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen. 13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch. 14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding. 15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did. 16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes. 17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield. 18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up. 19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face. 20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water. 21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy. 22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home. |
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