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Two Tasmanian engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walks by asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the Australian Senate (Greens).

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,

she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl

would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put

on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about

the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom!

You don't have to worry about that!

I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.

Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said,

'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said,

'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,

'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,

there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.

'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied.

'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo

to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,

killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder,

she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous,

and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club

with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman

who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm

and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,

'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.

'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Australians were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making,

explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

‘These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in Australia with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

A balding, white haired man from Sanctuary Cove in Queensland, walked into a jewellery store on the Gold Coast last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, No, that’s a mere bauble… I'd like to see something much more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'I think we'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque.. But I know you’ll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know’, said the old man wearily ‘…but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!'

See... Not All Seniors Are Senile Old Pricks!!

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf!'

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I
will buzz you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push
3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?

"What ... You coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times
up' "?

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three 10 c coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Australian Tax Office.."

The cat

You don`t have to own a cat to appreciate this one.

You don`t even have to like `em.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year`s Eve party. We

turned on a night light, switched the answering machine on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The car arrived

And we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out of the door, the cat scoots back into the house. We

didn`t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the

bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my

wife doesn`t want the cab driver to know that the house will be empty for

the night.

So, she explains to the driver that I will be out soon, "He`s just going

upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I

Said as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse

with a coathanger to make her come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed

her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from

scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs

and threw her out into the backyard! She`d better not sh i t in the

vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening!!

You will be blown away by this

This is amazing....

This maths test can predict your favourite film.

Try it without looking at the answers.

It's easy and really works:

Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Â· Multiply by 3.

Â· Add 3.

Â· Multiply that by 3.

Â· Add those two digits together.

Â· Use that number to find your all time favourite movie in the list below.

Your movie is:

1. Gone With the Wind..

2. Aliens.

3. Dances with Wolves.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Doctor Zhivago..

9. The Joy of Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

11. Lawrence of Arabia

12. Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid

13. Lord of The Rings â€“ Trilogy

14. The Sound of Music

15. The Curse of Count Dracula

****I ain't gonna say a word****

Dear friends
> >>>
> >>> There are less than 18 months until election day when the people
> >>> will decide who will be the next prime minister of Australia.
> >>> The person elected will be the prime minister of all Australians,
> >>> not just the Liberals or Labor. It's time that we all need to come
> >>> together, Liberals and Laborites alike, in a bi-partisan effort for
> >>> Australia.
> >>> If you will support Tony Abbot, please drive with your headlights ON
> >>> during the day.
> >>> If you support Julia Gillard, please drive with your headlights OFF
> >>> at night.
> >>>
> >>> Together, we can make it happen.
> >>>
> >>> Thank you!

Subject: Cough Remedy;

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle
of laxatives!"

The clerk says "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to
cough!"

Man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of
particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang
of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker.
"I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring
and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll
answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."

Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat , he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble, and we had wild sex all night.

Then, I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down
The avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young
Lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned
Around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
Companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She
Demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other
$125 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on
These grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
Presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.

He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such
Grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as
Follows:

"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a
Garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
Agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum
Of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively
For the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises,
He paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not
Excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted
Against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused
By the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was
Somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose
To the occasion!

'Your honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of
Property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of
Pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well
On the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and
Erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these
Improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount,
And that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said
Property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honour, my client agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not
Known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also,
Upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out
The shaft, and took the pump with him.

In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but
Left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the
Property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be
Granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance
$125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current
Location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look
for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition
to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man
that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay,
because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,"That will make your
husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think
they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey and never listen!!!

Health advice...

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

SO, REMEMBER ...

FASTING is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A root ", Paddy replies!

Gettin very close to 10000 views:cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by bruggz351 (Post 1294767)

Gettin very close to 10000 views:cool:

We will have to think of something to celebrate with.
I didnt think it would rocked along so quick. :D

If women are so good at multi tasking, why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time ....

Wooo Whoooo post 301 !!!!!

Frozen Crabs & the Blond Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. with a new twist?

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing....
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said:
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks for?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!

MEDICAL RESEARCH
2C3E644D03F642B2946F05BBA0DDCABB@c54b59bdbfd994
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
His son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says
"What dvd?" asks the father
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence

One for all the Grandads

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.
My little boy approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"
The little bloke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and Sheila's with big tits."

My Dad is Gay...... very touching story

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David
aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays State of Origin for QLD, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your @sshole before prison.................

--

One from WA

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell.
The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.
Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ...we love the heat. It's just like a summer's day."
Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum.
Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies.
He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.
"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil. Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!"
"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.
The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of their lives.
The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know? Hell's frozen over!...the Dockers must have won the Premiership!

The Dead Cow and Vet School First-year students at the UC Davis Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the ******** opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money..

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets...

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square..'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square...'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head a gainst the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding threw the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Well there you go. We broke through the 10,000 views number.
One little thread getting around 8% of all the off topic hits.
but then every one likes a laugh !!

Woo hoo. And mostly thanks to you layback:cool:.

I'm in a bit of a drought at the moment...:(

Come on peoples, keep 'em comin..:mrgreen:

Dear Optimist, Pessimist & Realist.
While you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it !!
Yours Sincerely,
The Opportunist.

THE RAISE

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,

But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,

I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time..

How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break

1st surgeon says: Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

2nd surgeon says: Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

3rd surgeon says: Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded.

4th surgeon says: I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are swapable.

The 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.

Harley Davidson Jokes
Q: Why do Harley riders never ride faster than 50mph?

A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.

Q: Why do Harley riders chrome all their parts?

A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.

Q: Why did they decide to call it the “Harley Owners Group?”

A: Because the term “Special Ed” was already taken.

Q. What do you get when you have 32 Harley owners in the same room?

A. A full set of teeth.

Q: A Harley owner and a NASCAR fan get in a fight, who wins?

A: We all do!

Q- What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?

A- A pick-up truck.

Q: Why don't Harley riders wave to other bikes?
A: They're too scared to take a hand off the bars.

Q: Why do Harley riders have a fringe on the gloves/jacket ect?

A: So they can check if their moving

Q: What dose a Harley and a blue dog have in common?

A: both like a ride home in a ute after a short run

Cake or bed
A husband is at home watching a
football match when his wife interrupts,

"honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

he looks at her and says angrily,
"fix the lights now? Does it look like i have "electrician" written on my forehead?
I don't think so!"

"fine!"

then the wife asks,
"well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right"

to which he replied,
"fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have "fridgidaire"
written on my forehead?
I don't think so!"

"fine!" she says
"then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door? They are about to break"

"i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps", he says, "does it look like i have "taylor woodrow" written on my forehead?
I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!"

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"
she said, "well, when you left i sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

he said,
"so what kind of cake did you bake?"

she replied, "hellooooo.., do you see "whitewings" written on my forehead? I don't think so!"