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WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional w@nker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to ***** and moan about it whenever we bl##dy like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne,
whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable' ... At least
that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bl##dy cold
and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with suga.
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their
speedos up their cr@cks to keep the left and right sides of their
brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the
track caused the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them
still work there in the Government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos,
Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest
beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali .

And there's Queensland ... While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth
noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day
and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dick-heads remains a
mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're
whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.

We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be
right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our
national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who
commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. We're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball,
rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian