[layback40]

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:

Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife...Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting.



A married man's prayer:

Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away.

You gave me youth, You took it away.

You gave me a wife ... It’s been years now, just reminding You.



A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is in a mess, the dishes are not done,

I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

What the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married."



Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home?

Boss: I am a lion at home too, but there we have a lion tamer!!!



A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served,

the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: Honey ... you say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.



Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt: "Please Do Not Disturb me, I am married and already very disturbed."



Some brilliant one-liners from Phyllis Diller.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.



My favourite paraprosdokian:

I would rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, than screaming in terror like his passengers.