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My generation were Home Schooled even though we went to school five days a week.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My father taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

My father taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! 'Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... Amen”.



A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"



A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to uni to study medicine. So that no one gets their entrance scores messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."