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If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably a dog



How would you find Adam and Eve in a crowd?

They're the only ones without belly buttons.



A young Scot went away to University and lived in the University's student quarters. A couple of weeks later his parents rang to see how things were going. He said that things were going well, except he was worried about his neighbours in the living quarters. On one side, the fellow kept bashing his head against the wall. On the other, the chap kept screaming. "How do you cope with that?" his parents asked. "Oh, it's OK, I just stay in my room practicing the bagpipes."



How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"



Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is 'loft?'"

The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of Flamin’ Talent."