[layback40]

He said, she said.

'You must be tolerant. It is absolutely essential or you’re out!'

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall, "Usually at the ATM."

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"That must be a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior."

- Rita Rudner

More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a jackaroo. Taking pity on him, a station owner decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lasso. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the rope. "And what do you use for bait?"

The weary holiday traveller looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.

Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"

"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

"English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.

This is our idea of useless legislation." - Unknown