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A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

What do you call a seagull flying over the bay? A bagel.

Q: What did the beaver say to the tree? A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 others to say, "man, I could do that!"

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not enter."

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."

Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."