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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.



On a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”



A guy helps an old nun across the street.

She: Thank you very much, young man!

He: No problem. Batman’s friends are my friends!



Truly delicious tofu recipe:

1) Chuck the tofu.

2) Fry a juicy steak.



I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?

I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.



A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”



What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.



Fun Facts:

At any given moment, about 0.7% of the people in the world are drunk

If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together.

620 million years ago, an Earth day was only 21.9 hours long. It is extending a little every year.

In 1994, a man was arrested because he was dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stood and stared into the windows of a home for the elderly.

The human heart can squirt blood to a distance of 30 feet.

Orange juice tastes bad after you’ve brushed your teeth because the toothpaste blocks the sweetness receptors on your tongue.

The first primarily decorative flower to be grown in space was a zinnia, it bloomed on January 16, 2016.

In Germany, you are allowed to drive your car naked if mood takes you that way, but you may not get out of it naked.

In India, kissing in public is not allowed.

Camels can hold a grudge and wait patiently for their opportunity to take revenge.

We use more salt to get ice off our roads (8% of the global salt production) than to eat (6% of the global salt production).

Meet Neil Harbisson – cyborg artist. He had a special antenna implanted in his head which allows him to hear colour and see sound, connect to the internet, Bluetooth and nearby electronic devices.