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Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ So I did....she's 21, and her name's Lucy!


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face.

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of red heads, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b@stard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him “Dandenong.”

I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well, since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.