[layback40]

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.

I was in an 80s band called The Prevention. We were better than The Cure…

If you ever need to hide a dead body, you should place it on the second page of Google search results.

Why was the electrician always angry? Because he had a short fuse

A friend claims his dog can retrieve a stick from 5 miles away. Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? I don’t know, they just seem a bit shady.

Anything is gluten free if you just don't eat it.

You know what they say about cliff-hangers...

Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’d better not; I'm still working on it.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.... But that's just nuts.

You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Archaeology really is a career in ruins...

And how long does it have to be before it’s considered archaeology instead of grave robbing?