[layback40]

"When you see the writing on the wall.... you can bet you're in a public restroom."

"I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I never have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives?"

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."

I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.

My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First, she got tonsillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would never win that spelling bee.

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."