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What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

If you’re cold; go stand in the corner. They’re usually about 90 degrees.

What do you call a belt made from watches? A waist of time.

What is grey and can’t fly. Concrete.

What did the chickpea say when it had a stomach ache? “I falafel.”

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing

What did the fisherman say to the magician? “Pick a cod. Any cod.”

“I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I could really see myself doing”

My grandpa has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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Christmas Pudding.

Southern Mail (Bowral, NSW), 1935,

The Christmas pudding is better for keeping a few weeks. Here is an excellent recipe:

Take 1lb. breadcrumbs, 1lb. raisins, 1oz. citron peel, 1 grated carrot, ½lb. brown sugar, 1lb. muscatel raisins, 6oz. flour, 1Ib. shredded suet, 2oz. lemon peel, 6 eggs, 2 nutmegs, ½lb currants, ½lb orange peel, 3oz. almonds, 1½gills ale (if desired). Mix the breadcrumbs, sugar, grated nutmeg, chopped raisins, cleaned currants, minced peels, and a pinch of salt together in a basin. Stir in suet, then the minced blanched almonds. Add well beaten eggs, and remaining ingredients, without the ale. Beat for 2 or 3 minutes with a wooden spoon, then stir in the ale. Cover and leave for 7 days, stirring once daily. Pack into two buttered pudding basins if small puddings are wanted, or into a large pudding basin if a pudding for 12 is wanted. Cover with buttered paper, then a floured cloth. Steam for 7 or 8 hours in a saucepan with boiling water coming half-way up the sides. If two puddings are made of the mixture, 4 or 6 hours is long enough to cook. Cook either the small puddings or the large pudding for 4 hours on Christmas Day, then turn out, sprinkle with vanilla sugar, decorate with a sprig of Christmas bush, and serve with brandy or rum custard or the sauce below. Enough for 6 or 12 persons.

Sauce for the pudding. Two tablespoons butter, 1 cup icing sugar, 1½ tablespoons cream or milk, ¾ teaspoon vanilla. Cream butter, add sugar slowly, and then cream and vanilla very slowly. Those who prefer a hard sauce can cream ½ cup butter, and stir in 1cup icing sugar. When well mixed, flavour with brandy to taste, adding it drop by drop.

Conversion chart

1lb breadcrumbs = 4 cups

1lb. raisins/currants = 2¾ cups

1oz citron/lemon peel/almonds = 1 tablespoon

½lb. brown sugar = 2½ cups.

6oz. flour = 1 cup

1Ib. shredded suet = 2 cups

½lb orange peel = ¾ cup

1½gills ale = ¾ cup
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Bush Christmas

Tribune (Sydney) Tuesday 20 December 1955,



Stuffed with pudding to his gizzard

Uncle James let's out a snore,

Auntie Sue sprawls like a lizard

On the back verandah floor.



Grandpa Aub sits with a flagon

On the woodheap 'neath the gums,

'And he thinks he's seen a dragon –

Where the pigs are munching plums.



Cousin Val and Cousin Harry,

Cousin May and Cousin Fred,

Play the goat with Dulce and Larry

By the creek below the shed.



In the scrub the cows are drowsing,

Dogs are dreaming in the shade.

Fat and white, the mare is browsing

Cropping softly, blade by blade.



It is hot. The gnats are whirring.

Uncle Jamie rubs his knee

Sue," he whispers, "are you stirring?

It's near time to get the tea."



David Martin.
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What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He gets it toad away.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low "elf" esteem.

Who is Santa's favourite singer? Elf-is Presley.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker.

What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonky donkey.

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? A pineapple.

What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? An alarm cluck.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.

What do you call a man who plays with leaves? Russell.

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert? Lost.

What did the Policeman say to the stomach? You're under a vest.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave off a little wine.



And the last word on Christmas comes from Dr Suess’s Grinch

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"

"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!"

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
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I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

Why did the fish cross the sea? To get to the other tide

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.

Why was the musician arrested? He was in treble

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

How do you think the unthinkable? Thteer it into an itheberg

A turtle walks into a bar . . . to be continued

I have never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong!!

Why was the electrician full of good ideas? Because he was a bright spark.

Q: Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? A: Because there was no chemistry.

What's an electricians favourite plant? A power plant.

After removing the shell from my pet snail, he became quite sluggish.

Where do you clean a bat? In the bat-tub.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

Why don't u ever tell secrets to beans? Because beanstalk.

What do you give a light bulb with bad breath? A fila-mint.

"Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it."

Why do people never eat clocks? Because it's really time consuming.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?” Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
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A drunken man gets on the bus late one-night staggers up the aisle and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"



"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught seen outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Hopping around in freezing weather knowing you have a pocket but your hands are too short to put them in it."



The guys down at the barber shop asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I'd like to be stuck in an elevator with. I thought for a minute and said, "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."



A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good Samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across the street looked back and yelled "Yes I can see you fine!"



I was at the customer-service desk returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes" I said. "They hurt my feelings."



"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-comings they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things not at all like the glaring defects in other people's characters."



Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? A: Wet feet.

Q: What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors? A: A piano.

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: A pork chop.

Q: How do you make a hot dog stand? A: Steal its chair.

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: Baroke, baroke, baroke.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A: Because they taste funny.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
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A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir Please fill out this form.''
He was filling out the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible".
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite.

The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ...



... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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