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  #7953  
Old 06-02-2018
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Sorry, but I need to vent....
Yesterday I experienced the WORST customer service at a shop in town, I donít want to mention the name of the store because Iím not in the habit of publicly rubbishing people or businesses. (Even if they DO deserve it)
Two days ago I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didnít work. So yesterday, less than 24hrs later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me
ďNOĒ, even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a FREE replacement instead.
Again she said ďNOĒ. I asked to speak to the manager now as I was really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didnít work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was ďout of luckĒ. No refund. No free replacement. Grrrrrr.........
Iíll tell you what........ I am NEVER buying another SCRATCH LOTTERY TICKET from there again........
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  #7954  
Old 09-02-2018
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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said,

'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed..

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....

"It's Rust."
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  #7955  
Old 09-02-2018
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Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten put their heads together and decided to go bush and drum up some votes....Malcolm says to Bill " what will we need ?"... Bill says " an Akubra hat, riding boots a pair of half worn out jeans and a Blue Healer dog.... So they go out to an outback town and are sitting in the pub with the dog laying at their feet having a beer when a truckie walks in and goes straight to the dog and lifts it's tail up then goes to the bar and orders a beer...next bloke comes in is a drover with his whip over his shoulder and his spurs jangling and he goes over to the dog lifts up his tail...grunts and goes and orders his beer.... then a grader driver comes in goes straight over to the dog and also lifts up its tail then shakes his head and goes and orders a beer....
Malcolm says to Bill " what the bloody hell is going on here with all these blokes going straight to the dog and lifting it's tail "
Bill says " apparently there's a rumour going around town there's a Blue healer dog down at the pub with two arseholes !!!"
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  #7956  
Old 09-02-2018
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The Sensitive Australian Male


Three Aussie blokes - Mongrel, Coot and Blue - are working up on an outback mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

The ambulance takes the body away, while Blue says,
"Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife."
Mongrel volunteers, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Blue asks, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.
"That unbelievable! You told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?!"
"Well, not exactly," says Mongrel.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken ... I'm not a widow.' to which I replied,
'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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  #7957  
Old 09-02-2018
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When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.



Cynical Philosopher...

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom; until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon. Iím worried about the 175 pounds Iíve gained since then.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a dressing gown before you start looking like a mental patient.

Money canít buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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  #7958  
Old 09-02-2018
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A man goes to confession.

Man: Father, I have sinned. When you hear what Iíve done, youíll throw me out of the church.
Priest: oh come now, Iím sure itís not that bad.
Man: Oh, it is father, youíll throw me out of the church.
Priest: tell me what youíve done, my son.
Man: itís terrible father. The other day my wife was bending over getting something out of the fridge. Her skirt had risen up and exposed part of her thigh. I got the urge, there was nothing I could do. I crept up behind her and had my way with her there and then. Iím sorry father and I can understand you throwing me out of the church.
Priest: my boy, you have done nothing wrong. She is your wife. What you have done is natural. Why on earth would you think that I would throw you out of the church?
Man: Well they threw me out of The supermarket.
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  #7959  
Old 20-02-2018
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Swansea Earthquake Appeal - please read

A major earthquake measuring 4.9 on the Richter scale hit South Wales @ 14:31, Sat Feb 17th 2018 with it's epicenter near Swansea.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering 'faaackinell'.

The earthquake decimated the area causing almost £30.00 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken before their gyro's arrived.

Local radio DJ, Andy Badger Miles from 'The Wave' and his giggling friend Emma, reported that hundreds of resident's were trying to come to terms that the fact that something interesting had happened in Swansea.

One resident, Tracy Lloyd, a 15-year old mother of 5 said, 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all because they had a skinfull the
night before. I was still shaking when i skinned up and watching Jeremy Kyle show on catch-up

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 crates of lager and sunny delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from the Poundshop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items needed most include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), adidias poppers,😂😂😂😂shell suits (female) White sports socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Tesco's or Asda.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2.50 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9.

£5.00 buys a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

£10.00 buys a wrap of crack to help those really disturbed.

***BREAKING NEWS***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop, 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked 'Townhill!' said the girl, 'wossit got to do wiv you mush?!'😂😂😂😂
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  #7960  
Old 21-02-2018
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DEFINITION OF STRESS

You pick up a hitchhiker...
A young, sexy, beautiful girl.
Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.

Now that's stressful.


But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!


You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.


On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home...

NOW THAT IS STRESS !!!!!!
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