How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

An old man was on his deathbed.

He wanted badly to take all his money with him.

He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you.

I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.

"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.

[layback40]

Apparently Yoko Ono is going into the jungle reality program to advise on bush tucker.
Seems she's lived off one dead Beatle for the past thirty years.

[layback40]

My son asked me if he could borrow my torch because he was going out on a date.
I said to him "I never used to take a torch on my dates when I was your age".
"I know". He said "look what you ended up with".
Cheeky little shit....

[layback40]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces.

The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler.

Each one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks for

[layback40]

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb...

[layback40]

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[layback40]

Hi everyone.Please keep your fingers crossed as I've got a life changing appointment at the bank in a couple of minutes.

I'm really nervous and shaky and can't get this damn stocking over my head....