How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary.
Neither did I dad said Mary until you hit him on the arse with that fucking shovel!!!

[layback40]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[layback40]

Two girls sitting in an office,one girl turns to the other and says"Does your ******** tingle after an orgasm?"..The second girl says,"NO",he farts,rolls over and goes to sleep"....

[layback40]

TOILET TRAINING

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the
big toilet like his daddy.

He pushes up the seat and balances his little on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's crap with me!"

[layback40]

After queuing up at the tesco checkout this morning, Mr patel said to the cashier "can you do this any cheaper?" "i am afraid not" she replied, "if we did it for you then we would have to do it for everybody" Mr patel said, "yes but it's got today's date on it, if nobody buys it then it's just thrown away anyway"...."look sir you are holding up the queue......do you want the fucking newspaper or not?"

[layback40]

There's a place for all God's Creatures....

*

*

Right next to the Peas and Gravy..

[layback40]

The girlfriend and I make a great team,
she`s putting the breakfast on and i`m taking the batteries out of the smoke alarm