How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" questions the confused youngster.

"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,

"You mean like my other Daddy does?

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I was lying there the other night counting sheep when I thought to myself I really need to stop taking the short cut home through the farmers field when I'm pissed.....

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I am still in the Cells. . I got stopped by the Police last night as part of their "Drink Driving Campaign" The policewoman asked me "How many drinks have you had in the last 24 hours" Apparently "Not Enough to Shag You" was the wrong answer !!.

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As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail. "Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled. "No love, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just you're eating off his plate.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it frickin' Wrong.

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Lastnight at about 8pm,i opened my front door to the carol singers and said,"Do you know,"Silent Night?".."Yes",they replied..I said,"Well fuckoff then,because i want one"...