How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

The other day I was really having a great time, when suddenly I heard someone knock on my door.

Went to see who it was?

A policeman was at my door.

He said, 'a few neighbors are complaining about the music'.

I said, "you're joking? It's only 7pm."

'I don't care if it's 1 in the afternoon' he replied.

'One Direction are still crap.'

[layback40]

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a Huge, Hairy, Sweaty Armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ’Give the ballerina a drink!’

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same Hairy Sweaty, Armpit, and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ’Give the ballerina another drink..!’

The bartender approached the little drunk and said ’Tell me, George, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina..?’

The drunk replied, ’Any woman who can lift her leg that frickin' high has got to be a Ballerina..!

[layback40]

How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away
------------------
How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7) Insert card
Hit cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
1 Take ATM card
19) Back 2 car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for a mile
24)Release HAND BRAKE...

[layback40]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'..

[layback40]

A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" Yes," she replies. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," & fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?" The Policeman chuckles & replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the Fuckin dick goes under the Horse, not on top of it".

[layback40]

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

[layback40]

Dear Santa, for Christmas I would like a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t confuse it like you did last year.