How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

On the first day of training for parachute jumping the man listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

He asked "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer he asked "What happens if there's no one there I know?"



A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter" said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well ok" answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra hundred. Bye."



A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card ‘Rest in Peace.’

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was the florist replied ‘I’m really sorry for the mistake but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying ‘Congratulations on your new location!’



I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

"A new survey found that half of all American employees have faked a sick day. While the other half have just lied on a survey."

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

Some days you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.



Q: How did the telephone get married? A: In a double ring ceremony!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive? A: A Minnie van!

Q: What kind of dance can you do on a trampoline? A: Hip hop!

Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service? A: He wanted to rake in some cash!

Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A: A steak out.

[layback40]

Took this Girl out last night and she ordered the most expensive food items on the Menu.

I thought you *Money Grabbing Bitch*.

I said, "Does your Mother Feed you like that at Home"..??

She replied "No, but my Mother's not expecting a Blow-Job and a Shag Tonight"

I said "Good Point, Enjoy"..!!

[layback40]

Dad with his little girl in the garden.
Girl asks "is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?
Dad says "no sweetie there are no mummy-longlegs,only daddy-longlegs"
Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on both of them saying..
"we'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!!

[layback40]

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even have a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

[layback40]

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.
The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”
The old lady fainted...

[layback40]

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom draw.

That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse...

[layback40]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"