How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, every time she bent down you you could see right up her thighs, Mary had another skirt with splits right up the front, but she never wore that one!..

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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

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Paddy phones for an ambulance as Murphy's been hit by a car. Operator asks where he is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus Rd. Operator asks, "How do u spell that?" The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says, "Sorry about that, I've just dragged him round to Oak St"..

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Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 ********** LAST YEAR.!!..

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I was chatting to a bird in a nightclub. She whispered, "do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a polo?" I said "Oh yes" . When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.. She said, " surprised?" I said "Totally. I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback!

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Just received this back from Channel 4...

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,

Director of Programmes Channel 4.

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A former Army sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fitted under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was former Army, were leery of him. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.



A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'

'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.



To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist were courting. It was a tooth and nail affair.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.