How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.

"Actually no"..he replied.

"Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say...

"Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."

[layback40]

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

[layback40]

When a delegate from a emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a pistol up to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers had a real live bullet.

A month later, the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.

"We would like to show you our version of roulette," the ambassador said, "We call this African roulette."

"How do you play?"

The ambassador pointed to six buxom tribeswomen sitting in a circle. "Any of these six girls will give you a b job."

"Well, where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy? You must have some risk involved in this game, you know." the Russian said.

"Well," said the African ambassador, "one of the girls is a cannibal."

[layback40]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."

[layback40]

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."

[layback40]

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"

"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.
"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."

[layback40]

My wife has been missing since she took the dog for a walk yesterday lunchtime and I'm really starting to worry about her.
She could be trapped or injured somewhere or worse still, someone could have taken her and she might be in danger.
If anyone can help, she's a Golden Labrador puppy called Roxy, and she has a name tag!!..