How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

[layback40]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hoo-kers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hoo-kers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

[layback40]

On average, a British man will have Sex two to three times a Week.

Where as a Chinese man will have Sex only One or Two times, A YEAR.

*

This is really upsetting News to me, as I had no idea that I was Chinese.

[layback40]

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.

[layback40]

I can't believe it -

I'm involved in a Sex Scandal,

I'm getting No Sex -

And it's a fuckin Scandal.........

[layback40]

A Blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the Blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . .. it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The Blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."

[layback40]

Some guy knocked on my door just now and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "you've got the wrong house then mate.".