How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Did you hear about the man who cut off his entire left side with a chainsaw? He's all right now.

Two blondes walk into a building - you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your Kayak and heat it.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So, I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat baskit!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So, that was nice."

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Teacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"
Sophie;... "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too."
Teacher; "Very good Sophie."
Johnny;...... "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two."

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My wife arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied. "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?" "A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river."

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To the gobby tosser in the silver peugeot with 2 girls leaving Paignton Asda just now, the reason why I was tooting my horn was because you had left your shopping on the roof of your car. So when you hung out your window with your red snarling face and foaming at the mouth calling me a fat bitch in front of my children I took great pleasure driving over your disposable bbqs when they fell off your roof

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I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago. Long story short...
I'm going back to toilet paper.

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A turkey is chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.

Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[layback40]

I'm currently viewing a woman's profile on a dating site:
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 green eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a fuckin bloke...