How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that gobshite for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

[layback40]

In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.
In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.

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Wish me luck. I'm on my way to the bank for a meeting that will change my life forever.
I'm so nervous, I can't even get this bloody balaclava over my head.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my dick!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
" What the fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I fucking said" replied the boy!!..

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Said to the wife this morning "I'm off to cycle to work love" I get my bike out of the shed and realise its pissing it down! I thought fuck it, get back into bed for extra twenty mins and decide to slip the Mrs one from behind. She moans and starts waking up. So I whisper "Its pissing down out there!" She replies "I know, and that stupid bastards cycling to work!"

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I let my wife take me for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?" I said, "Go on then, bang it into fourth gear."😊

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I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need a shit."
"Go and have one then," I said. "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble."
He walked off and came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?" I asked.
He said, "In your car."😏