How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

When I told the Girlfriend I had been screwing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Pity I didn't notice the grenade in her other hand!!..

[layback40]

Teacher says to the class.."Tell me a word beginning with "A"
Billy says "Arse"...He gets told off and the teacher
then she asks for a word beginning with "B"...Jenny says "Bollocks"...Again she gets told off.
The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D"...Johnny. calls out "Dwarf".
The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is.
Johnney replies "A short arsed ******** with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!..

[layback40]

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, it insists. The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

[layback40]

I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!

Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...

[layback40]

Due to the forthcoming ban on all petrol engines in favour of electric ones, it has been announced that the 2040 Formula one season will be sponsored by scalextric!

[layback40]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking tea when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela smiles and says "look young man...you've got the wrong man" The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela yells at him, "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "Aren't you Nissan Main Dealer?"

[Banshee]

Apparently someone was shot with a starter pistol at the local track. Police think it was race related

Police haven't been able to track down a suspect or even a witnesses. They say everyone ran off after the shot.

Detectives faced many hurdles in their investigation and say they are now right back where they started.