How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Questions to ponder

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'pants' plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



A selection from Adrian…

Why did the orange stop halfway up the hill? He ran out of juice

What's the richest country in the world? Ireland, because its capital is always Dublin

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm

William Shakespeare went into a pub the barman took one look at him and said - 'You're bard'



First man: How many people work in your office?

Second man: About half of them



What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.

Apparently one in three people cheat. I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

There are 3 types of people in the world... Those who can count and those that can't.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic… But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic. It’s soda pressing

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day. Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it... That's just how I roll.

Want to hear a good pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

If I find a job in the classifieds...does that mean I can't tell anyone!?

What washes up on tiny beaches? Micro waves.

My friend placed a colour bomb in my chair...It blue me away.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree. He's wanted dead and alive. Reports are the police have him boxed in.



Things that are better left unsaid:

1)

2)

3)



A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

How do cows go from one town to another? They cowmute.

[layback40]

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of isn’t funny.”

I spent four years at university. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I did a double degree in psychology and reverse psychology.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change occasionally, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.

“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.

[layback40]

A Vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies.
To break the ice, the vicar offers round his Bag of "Werther's Originals" and then asks, "So, what do all you young Ladies do"..???
"We do Christmas Panto. We're currently starring in "Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.
"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take"..?? says the Vicar.
The First Lady says, "I take the part of the Cat."
The Second Lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."
"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick"..???
"Well, I Do ... " says the Third Girl, " ...
but it'll cost you a lot more than a fuckin' "Werther's Original"...!

[layback40]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

[layback40]

Two middle-aged women, Gladys and Mable, are chatting.
"Mable, do you think as you get older your fanny actually gets looser?"
"Ooh I don't know." replied Mable. "I had sex with my Henry last
night and, to be honest, I felt like the outside of a sausage roll!"
Gladys looked unconvinced.
"Have you tried looking at it?" asked Mable.
"Look at it? I don't know, I mean I'm putting the beef on at my
age." said Gladys patting her middle-aged pot-belly.
"Here's what you do," confided Mable. "Take a mirror from off of
the wall and lay it on the floor, then stand astride it and you'll
get a good look at your ********."
"Hey, that's a good idea!" said Gladys, and trotted off home to try
it out.
At home, Gladys is standing in the bathroom, mirror on floor and
legs akimbo, peering at her ******** in the mirror's reflection. Her
husband is walking past the doorway when he spots what's going on.
He charges into the bathroom and shoves Gladys hard against the wall.
"Ooh George! You fucking bastard!! You could have broke my bloody
arm then!!" she whined.
"You ungrateful cow!" George retorted. "If you'd have fallen down
that hole you'd have broken your fucking back!!"

[layback40]

What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

If you’re cold; go stand in the corner. They’re usually about 90 degrees.

What do you call a belt made from watches? A waist of time.

What is grey and can’t fly. Concrete.

What did the chickpea say when it had a stomach ache? “I falafel.”

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing

What did the fisherman say to the magician? “Pick a cod. Any cod.”

“I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I could really see myself doing”

My grandpa has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

[layback40]

Christmas Pudding.

Southern Mail (Bowral, NSW), 1935,

The Christmas pudding is better for keeping a few weeks. Here is an excellent recipe:

Take 1lb. breadcrumbs, 1lb. raisins, 1oz. citron peel, 1 grated carrot, ½lb. brown sugar, 1lb. muscatel raisins, 6oz. flour, 1Ib. shredded suet, 2oz. lemon peel, 6 eggs, 2 nutmegs, ½lb currants, ½lb orange peel, 3oz. almonds, 1½gills ale (if desired). Mix the breadcrumbs, sugar, grated nutmeg, chopped raisins, cleaned currants, minced peels, and a pinch of salt together in a basin. Stir in suet, then the minced blanched almonds. Add well beaten eggs, and remaining ingredients, without the ale. Beat for 2 or 3 minutes with a wooden spoon, then stir in the ale. Cover and leave for 7 days, stirring once daily. Pack into two buttered pudding basins if small puddings are wanted, or into a large pudding basin if a pudding for 12 is wanted. Cover with buttered paper, then a floured cloth. Steam for 7 or 8 hours in a saucepan with boiling water coming half-way up the sides. If two puddings are made of the mixture, 4 or 6 hours is long enough to cook. Cook either the small puddings or the large pudding for 4 hours on Christmas Day, then turn out, sprinkle with vanilla sugar, decorate with a sprig of Christmas bush, and serve with brandy or rum custard or the sauce below. Enough for 6 or 12 persons.

Sauce for the pudding. Two tablespoons butter, 1 cup icing sugar, 1½ tablespoons cream or milk, ¾ teaspoon vanilla. Cream butter, add sugar slowly, and then cream and vanilla very slowly. Those who prefer a hard sauce can cream ½ cup butter, and stir in 1cup icing sugar. When well mixed, flavour with brandy to taste, adding it drop by drop.

Conversion chart

1lb breadcrumbs = 4 cups

1lb. raisins/currants = 2¾ cups

1oz citron/lemon peel/almonds = 1 tablespoon

½lb. brown sugar = 2½ cups.

6oz. flour = 1 cup

1Ib. shredded suet = 2 cups

½lb orange peel = ¾ cup

1½gills ale = ¾ cup