How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[RED_TJ]

Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?

A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids.

[layback40]

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

"Christmas Island, Australia,!!!...There's friggin' hundreds of 'em!" .......
..said the Parrot.

[layback40]

I was sat in a bar having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, beautiful blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 30000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect ********?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.

[layback40]

An Aussie, a little bloke, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his bar stool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings."

[layback40]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping

to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.



The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"



The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."



The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"



"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than

that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find

our Officer's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."



Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.



Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped "They won't let me in without a f***ing tie!”

[layback40]

Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating."
Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to end up in one."


Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says: "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes."
Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!


Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible. 1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - what do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!"

Man walks into Dymocks and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don't think it's in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that's the one!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarfs?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

With hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and my wife has gone off to her mother.

[layback40]

A Maori and an Aborigine entered a chocolate shop

As they were busy looking around, the Aborigine stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the Aborigine said to the Maori

Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me.

You can't beat that.

The Maori replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop

and I'll show you some real stealing."


So they went up to the counter and the Maori said to the shopkeeper:

"Do you want to see some real magic, man?"

The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Maori said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Maori asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Maori replied:

"Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."