How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The weary holiday traveller looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter. Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"

"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

My sister brought her daughter a nice Baby Grand Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Because," my sister answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Of course, I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed! - Thomas Edison's Mother

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

[layback40]

A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk an asked, "What's your hurry"...?
She replied, "I'm late for work"...
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, "what do you do"...?
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what"............?
"A Rectum Stretcher".....
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do"....?
"Well" she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet"......
He asked, "An just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole"...?
"You give him a radar gun an park him behind a bridge"......!!!

[layback40]

After I won at poker last night, a mate asked, "How come you're so lucky at cards yet so unlucky at the horses?"
I simply replied, "I don't get to shuffle the horses."

[layback40]

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The Manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000". Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one. From the backroom the Manager yelled "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet." .............

This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[layback40]

My contribution to curl up & dye.

My Grandfather, a Congregationalist Minister, told me this in the 1950s":

What is the difference between a sculptor and a hairdresser?

A sculptor makes faces and busts, but a hairdresser curls up and dyes.

He never gave a sermon without a joke! Eleanor

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you got to help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." Said the psychiatrist. “It’s $100 a visit”

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

[Banshee]

Three guys walk into their hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

“Comrade Major, we want some tea to room 62 please.”

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night’s rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds: “Well, Comrade Major did quite like your tea gag.”

[layback40]

*In The Wisdom Of Solomon*

Two women in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.

The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat!"

Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

Argument done!