How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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It was always going to happen!
Driverless Tesla crashes into parked car

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I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places – he told me to stop going to those places.



This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.



Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.



I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.



Two fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"



Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.



When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals. She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."



I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”



I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.



What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.



My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.



My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.



Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!



Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.



A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[layback40]

When you ring the weather bureau, they answer saying..... “ weather bureau, good morning... possibly “



What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag’s a big plus!!



George, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "OK."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Georges residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.



Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Chow Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30 kilograms before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to use a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.



A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.

The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.