How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

[layback40]

From the letter from a bush pilot, I remember a story about Darwin Air Traffic Control Tower in the 60’s. The time call went something like this:

“Darwin Tower Time Check for Aviation. For International Pilots it is 1200 hours Australian Standard Central Time. For Domestic pilots it is Midday. For Bush Pilots – it’s Tuesday!”



Most of us over 65 were Home Schooled whether we realised it at the time or not...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that mark will come out of the carpet!"

My father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why!

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident!"

My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it!"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home!"

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way!"

My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your jumper on! Don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me!"

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up!"

My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you! Do you think you were born in a tent?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand!"

My father taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[layback40]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?

My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park secondary school.

'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.

'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked

He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, balding, wrinkled, fat, grey haired, decrepit, old man asked - What subject did you teach?



Lemon Squeezer.

At a local bar in Tamworth the owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it would win the money. Many people had tried over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it....

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the bloke his $1000, and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied "I work for the Australian Tax Office".



A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again." The friend said, "How flattering." The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."



A man is playing piano one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry.

"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognise the song?"

"No, " says the elephant, "but I do recognise the white keys."

[layback40]

Morrison looked at Albanese, chuckled and said, you know, i could throw a $1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.Albanese shrugged his shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy. Hearing their exchange, the pilot of the plane said to his co-pilot, Such big-hotshots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 23million people very happy. If you,r one o the 23 million keep this going

[layback40]

Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull? A: A car only has one horn.

Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit? A: Do you want to grab a bite?

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed? A: Time to get a new bed!

Q: Where does a ten-ton elephant sit? A: Anywhere it wants to!

Q: What was the first animal in space? A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

Q: What do you get when you plant a frog? A: A cr-oak tree.

Q: What is the quietest kind of a dog? A: A hush puppy.

Q: How is a dog like a telephone? A: It has a collar I.D.

Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don’t work.



Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die, and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.



There were two cows in a field. The first cow said “moo” and the second cow said “baaaa.” The first cow asked the second cow, “Why did you say baaaa?” The second cow said, “I’m learning a foreign language.”



Two Biddleonians living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...America or the moon?'

The other one turns and says 'Hellooo, can you see America?'



There's this Biddleonian out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' he shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second Biddleonian looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side’.

[layback40]

Bob is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then a full house winning $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bloke on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'Stone the Crows,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!



Paraprosdokians.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[layback40]

Policeman: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.

Me: Wait, I can explain everything.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Someone said that it is impossible to make a pun about vegetables. I say that is not nececelery true.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise. The librarian says ‘sure, what volume would you like?’

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter” Swarm.

What’s the name of Kate’s identical twin? Duplikate

I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot. But then I discovered oven mitts.

We cannot allow this year to end. That would be admitting 2021.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? Ten ants.

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour. Actually, it’s probably more of a knight mare.

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A show.

Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.

I can cut a log in half just by looking at it. It’s not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I once saw two octopuses that looked exactly the same. They must have been itentacle twins.

My wife just threw away my favourite herb. She’s such a thyme waster.

I don’t mind breakfast in bed…but I prefer it in a bowl.