How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Recipe for Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake

Ingredients

1 cup water, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 cup of sugar, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, plenty of nuts, 2 cups of dried fruit.

1 large bottle of Vodka plus several cans of Red Bull

Method

Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.

To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.

Flavour with Red Bull to taste. Try another cup.... just in case turn off the mixerer.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuckin the cup of dried fruit. Pick fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a screwscriver. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity - flavour with a little Red Bull.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a ****? Throw a pinch of Red Bull over your shoulder.

Pick up the can, mop the floor. Check the vodka.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl out the window, finish the vodka and fall into bed. Cherry Mistmas!

[layback40]

Australian Holiday Quiz. Test your knowledge. Answers below.

At what sport did Bob Skilton excel during the 1950s and 1960s?
What river begins southeast of Cloncurry and terminates in Lake Eyre?
If you were by a billabong where would you be?
If you heard someone calling Cooee what would it mean?
Who was the first Aboriginal person to win an Olympic gold medal?
What are the two animals on the Australian Coat of Arms?
What Australian state or Territory does not feature the Union Jack?
The first what, was opened at Blanchetown SA in 1922?
The first telephone directory in Australia was issued in Melbourne in 1880. How many subscribers were there? (a) 44 (b) 440 (c) 4400

10. What year was the construction of the Overland Telegraph line from Adelaide to Darwin commenced?

11. In 1975 commercial phone books became the yellow pages. What color were they before this?

12. On the 27th November 1948, what mass produced Australian icon was first released?

13. What was invented by Melbourne pharmacist George Nicholas in 1917 when German supplies ran out?

14. On November the 10th, 1964 PM Robert Menzies announced what in support of the American Army?

15. In what Victorian town was singer Colleen Hewitt born?

16. Where would you find…

17. a)-The Big Banana

18. b)-The Big Orange

19. c)-The Big Rainbow Trout

20. Where is Australia’s only memorial to the draught horse situated?

21. Who gave ‘Coopers Creek’ its name?

22. What was the name of Matthew Flinders ship in which he mapped the coastline of Australia?

23. What is the longest place name in Australia?

24. What was mined at Leigh Creek?

25. Where is the largest lead smelter in the world?

26. What special kind of opal is mined at Mintabie?

27. “It was the Man from Ironbark who struck Sydney town,” Who wrote what poem?

28. What is a baby koala called?

29. What is the only town in Australia to have a dinosaur named after it?

30. What is a brigalow

31. What species of trees and shrubs are also known as paperbarks?

32. Where am I? I am on the road from Goroke to Natimuk. Approx. 25 kms from Natimuk. North side of the road.

33. Where am I? I am the oldest town in southeast SA. Mary McKillop lived here. The Coonawarra is 10 kms north.

Don’t talk to a mathematician about infinity; you will never hear the end of it.

There is no point in discussing vacuums; there is nothing to it.

The meaning of opaque is unclear.

I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighbourhood, weed know about it.

It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

So, what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.

Police were called to the day-care centre. A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew its seams.

What is a thesaurus's favourite dessert? Synonym buns.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

Answers to Australian Quiz

Australian Rules Football
The Diamantina
By a blind branch or flood pool of a river
They are wanting to attract your attention. Aborigines used this call to signal a gathering.
Nova Peris (at the time Peris-Kneebone). 1996 at Atlanta as part of the Australian Women’s Hockey team.
Kangaroo and Emu
Northern Territory
The first loch on the Murray River.
(a) 44
1871
Pink.
The first Holden car.
Aspro
A Military conscription to Vietnam.
Bendigo
a. Coffs Harbour
b Berri
c Adaminaby
Nhill.
Charles Sturt
‘The Investigator’
Lake Caddibarrawirracanna
Coal
Port Pirie
Black Opal
Banjo Patterson.
A joey
Muttaburra.
A small silvery tree that forms impenetrable scrub. Acacia harpophylla.
Melaleuca
Jane Duff Memorial
Penola

[layback40]

Blue and the Sheep.

We pensioned off old Blue the dog, When old age got him down.

And we sent him in, for company, To old Grandma, in the town.

But, while Granny was elated, Blue still craved the great outdoors,

and he’d roam the town exploring, while old Granny did her chores.



So, it was this Sunday morning, Blue was fossicking about.

Through the paddocks near the township, On his normal daily scout.

When a canine gourmet odour, Overpowered his sense of smell.

Though his eyesight had diminished, His old sniffer still worked well.



And the source of his excitement, Was reposed down by the creek,

Where a sheep had met his maker, For the best part of a week.

For its woolly corpse was spreading, And the air was far from fresh.

From this rancid flyblown carcass, With its seething greenish flesh.



It was a dog’s idea of heaven, And old Blue, he rubbed and rolled,

Till he ponged just like the sheep did, And with ecstasy extolled.

Then an idea formed within him, As he gave a gentle tug,

And he found the carcass followed, Like a matted lumpy rug.



He would take it home for later! It should last a week or two -

If he stored it in his kennel, He could keep his prize from view!

So he gripped the carcass firmly. Proudly into town he went,

But his load proved fairly heavy, And Blue's energy soon spent.



And the only shade on offer Was this building with a bell,

And he dragged his prize towards it, With its flies and feral smell.

Then the dog and sheep both rested, In the front porch of the church.

And old Blue looked up the gangway, At the parson on his perch.



He was revving up the faithful. To repent to save their worth,

And said Satan was the culprit, For all rotten things on earth.

And he roared of fire and brimstone, And redemption for the throng.

Up the aisle came Satan's presence, In this God forsaken pong.



And they all cried “Hallelujah”, And they fell as one to pray,

But by now old Blue had rested, And he hadn’t time to stay.

He proceeded up the roadway, With the woolly corpse in tow,

With a shortcut through the Nursing Home, The quickest way to go.



Where the matron, in a panic, Counted heads in mortal fright,

With a smell like that they’d surely lost, A patient through the night

And the members at the bowls club, Lowered all their flags half mast,

Doffed their hats and stood in silence, For the funeral going past.



But Blue lugged his prize on homewards, Travelling past the bowling club,

Till he took a breather under, The verandah of the pub.

There, old boozing Bill was resting, Sleeping off the night before,

To await the Sunday session, When they opened up the door.



When a stench awoke his slumber, Which was highly on the nose,

And he thought his pickled body, Had begun to decompose.

And he missed the Sunday session, When he ran home to his wife,

To proclaim the shock announcement, He was off the booze for life.



Meanwhile Blue could see Gran’s gateway, At the far end of the street,

So he started up the pavement, With his ripe and tasty treat.

But there was movement in the backstreets, As the town dogs sniffed in deep.

They broke chains and climbed high fences, For a piece of Blue’s dead sheep.



And Blue felt the road vibrating, From the stamp of canine feet,

As this pack of thirty mongrels, Came advancing down the street.

But he wasn’t into sharing, So he sought a quick escape,

And he spied a nearby building, With a door that stood agape.



Through this door he sought asylum, but his presence caused a shriek,

for he’d chosen the local Deli, that was run by Nick the Greek.

And Blue shot beneath a table, Where the sheep and he could hide,

But the dog pack was relentless, And they followed him inside.



Now the table Blue had chosen, was a double-booked mistake,

with the law enforcement sergeant, sipping coffee on his break.

And the sergeant sat bolt upright, with a dog between his feet.

and his eyes began to water, from the dead decaying meat.



Then the Sarge leapt up in horror, but in his haste he slipped and fell,

falling down amongst Blue’s mutton, with its all-embracing smell.

And he lay, somewhat bewildered, In the gore, flat on his back,

When the mongrel pack descended, In a frenzied dog attack.



With first thought self-preservation, from the rows of teeth he faced,

the Sarge fumbled for his pistol, in its holster at his waist.

There were muffled bangs and yelping, as the random shots rang out,

and a whine of bouncing bullets, off the brickwork all about.



As he blasted in a panic, From beneath the blood and gore,

A front window and the drink fridge Were both added to the score.

And the cappuccino maker, Copped a mortal wound and died.

Hissing steam, it levitated, falling frothing on its side.



And Nick the Greek, the owner, grabbed a shotgun in his fright,

blasting into the confusion, of the frantic canine fight.

At short range it wasn’t pretty. Dogs were pasted on the wall.

There was Laminex in splinters, Clouds of dog hair covered all.



Then the smoke detector whistled, With the gun-smoke in the air,

Which set off the sprinkler system, And a siren gave a blare.



And the echoes still were ringing, When beneath the dying heap

There emerged old Blue, still dragging, At the remnants of his sheep.

Its head was gone, and sev’ral legs. But it hadn’t lost its smell.

In the armistice that followed, Blue decided not to dwell.



He leapt the fence at Grandma’s, For his feet had sprouted wings.

Pure adrenaline propelled him, Fleeing dogs and guns and things.

Now old Gran had influenza, And had lost her sense of smell.

With Blues sheep out in the garden, That was probably just as well!



And she looked out from her front fence, At the town in disarray.

At the ambulance, police cars and the R.S.P.C.A.

Then the fire brigade rushed past her, Flashing lights of rosy hue,

And she hugged the old dog tightly - He’d protect her, would old Blue.



"You just stay here like a good dog!" Grandma told him with a frown,

“cause you’ve no idea the trouble, you can get into in town!”

[Jonny Jeep]

This was circulated many years ago by fax at work, and having recently found a copy thought I'd type it up for here...

Many folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "Yes", he or she is then asked three random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game however, several months ago, made the Harbour City drop to it's knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX FM. Have you heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - When was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About eight o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question number two - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About ten minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay, final question. Where did you have sex at eight o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ:"This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the mother-in-law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[Three minutes of Commercials follow]

DJ: "Okay audience: lets call Sarah shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX FM. We are live on air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you three questions, Sarah. If your answers amtch Brian's answers you will b off to the Gold Coast for five days on us."
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around eight this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enogh. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
Sarah "Well..."
DJ: "Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?"
Sarah: "Up the arse..."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

[layback40]

As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Pick them up again tomorrow if you must.
Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Save the earth.... It's the only planet with chocolate!

Our favourite Symphony Orchestra Conductor had a nasty accident while out CHOPIN. Indeed, at first it was thought he would have to have his RACHMANINOFF but he is now well enough to take his MENDELSON and it should not be VERDI long Before he is BACH with us.

Two fishermen were telling yarns about their catch for the day.
One held out his arms as far as he could and exclaimed, 'I caught a fish this morning 2.5 metres long.'
The other, not to be beaten said, 'I tossed my line in by the jetty and you could have knocked me down with a feather. I pulled in an old lantern, and the flame was still burning!'
'No, I can’t believe that' the other replied. 'That's not true. Your exaggerating'.
'Well' said the second man, 'You cut a metre off your fish and I'll blow my flame out!'

[Banshee]

Oz politics?

[layback40]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ...then I was petrified.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the thigh in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says. "Oh, I forgot to tell you. Today's the day, the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.